Bird's Eye View
by breakaway-republic
Summary: As the Interspecies Cultural Exchange Program is set to make its US debut, a down-on-his-luck man watching events unfold from rural New Mexico weighs his options. Has he discovered a way out of his financial troubles, or is he just trading one set of problems for another?
1. Introduction: Caveat Emptor

_**DISCLAIMER**_ \- _I do not make any claims of ownership for_ Daily Life With Monster Girls. _Clearly I'm not the first to attempt writing a story using both human and monstergirl OCs in a different setting outside of Japan. With that said, I still hope you're able to enjoy what I've put together._

They don't really hang up 'WANTED' posters at the Post Office anymore, which is probably why it got my attention.

The post office in the tiny town of Fort Quinn, New Mexico wasn't much bigger than most people's kitchens, but seemed like it did a pretty brisk business despite the onset of the internet age.

I made it to the Post Office to get a money order about five minutes before closing time when I first saw it on my way out.

A 'WANTED' poster.

It was on a bulletin board in the post office's 'lobby' where the locked post boxes were kept. Mixed in along with fliers for music lessons, brush clearing, tractor repair and veterinary services was a 'WANTED' poster.

Only instead of fugitives whose whereabouts were being sought after by the FBI, there was a string of headshots featuring some young and fairly attractive girls. Except...I noticed one thing when I got closer and began reading.

They weren't human.

None of them.

One of them- a statuesque blonde in a ten gallon hat, vest and bikini top with bovine horns growing out of her head- was cheerily holding up a placard that read 'Terry O.'. A caption beneath the faux mugshot read _'Terios- Brahma type Minotaur'_

Immediately to the right of that was a young, attractive woman with light colored hair and what appeared to be a reptilian- almost serpentine lower body. This one seemed to have a pair of horns or antlers that looked a little like tree branches growing from her head, with some bells attached to the one on the right. She apparently was some sort of dragon with a snake-like lower body and was clearly vamping it up for the camera as she daintily held a folding Chinese fan in one hand while looking right at the lens.

Her caption read _'Fan Long- Far Eastern Golden Dragon'_.

The laminal with the biggest picture is a striking brunette with canine features. Her picture shows her clad in a pair of snug short shorts, a tank top and a headband to go with a bushy tail and a pair of pointed canine ears on the top of her head. From the looks of it, she had a nice figure and worked pretty hard to maintain it. She seems to be smiling and looked a little flushed, as though she finished a pretty intense workout.

For the canid girls' caption, it reads _'Polt- Founder and CEO of Sports Club Kobold Nippon, LLC'_

The brochure went on:

 _Attention families and individuals-_

 _Are you looking for a roommate or have a spare room in your house? Why not open your home to an Extraspecies guest and enroll in the Interspecies Exchange Program? By doing so, you will be providing valuable insights for your guest as they are immersed in human culture._

 _If you're interested in building bridges between humanity and these beings once thought to be nothing more than mere legends, contact the Interspecies Cultural Exchange of America today._

 _Host households that meet certain eligibility criteria may qualify for a stipend or financial aid through the program._

Hang on a sec- Stipend?

Well now- there's the magic word.

I needed money, and I needed more than I could realistically get scraping by with a series of seasonal/odd jobs and touching up the painted lines on the highways for the county's public works department, otherwise I was going to lose the ranch.

Literally- a few years ago, my Uncle Bill had passed on after a long illness. What I didn't know right away was that he had bequeathed his 106 acre ranch in the high plains of New Mexico's Llano Estacadero to yours truly. Against my better judgement, I moved in to the old ranch almost right away.

Attached to the faux wanted poster was several postcard-sized slips of paper where interested parties could tear away and fill out their basic information before sending it off to the exchange program.

Without even thinking, I grabbed one of the slips of paper on my way out.

If I wanted privacy or even decent lighting, I probably could've done much better than filling out the Interspecies Exchange Program's questionnaire at the Copper Spur.

The Spur was my watering hole of choice- and just about the only bar in Ft. Quinn. I was starting to wonder if filling out the mail-in form so publicly was a passive invitation for input from some of the regulars on my participating in this 'Exchange program'.

Cigarette smoke hung in the air and the sound of country western music from the jukebox was occasionally interspersed with the hard *CLACK* of billiards balls making contact with each other on a pool table behind me. So far just some basic questions about age, income and whether or not I had ever been convicted of a felony.

The sound on the TV was off, but the captioning was still visible. A perky blonde anchor reading a teleprompter in Albuquerque was talking about the revised interspecies exchange bill.

"... _A sticking point of the law was immunity from arrest and prosecution 'Liminals' would have. This was resolved in 11th hour negotiations in which law enforcement, prosecutors and legal scholars would seek guidance from the Interspecies Exchange Program in return for M.O.N.- the Program's enforcement arm- being granted the power of arrest under certain circumstances here_."

That's a start, I guess. As much as I distrusted this nation's human leaders, I didn't think much good would come from having insanely strong dragons, spiders, wolves and snakes causing mayhem and then invoking something akin to Diplomatic Immunity when the cops showed up- even if the overwhelming majority of these 'Liminals' were in the form of attractive young women.

" _With the legal hurdles cleared, the first of the American Interspecies Program's guests arrived at their new homes this week_." the camera was no longer on the anchorwoman but showing footage of some of these extraspecies women emerging from a charter aircraft on the tarmac of an Air Force base in California and greeted by the press, local officials and their host families. The first one appeared to be a nervous looking blonde girl with ram's horns wearing overalls as she made her way down the moveable stairway that was rolled up to the plane. Following her was a lean woman with what looked like splotches on her face and some sort of primitive glider strapped to her back. Only when she stepped onto the stairway did I realize those 'splotches' on her face were scales that tapered off and the 'glider' was actually a set of reptilian wings growing from her back.

Standing motionless by the base of the stairway were a trio of women- the first one was clearly a demihuman or extraspecies woman. Although she seemed to have a gentle and kind face, she stood at well over 7 feet tall and had a single dark horn protruding from her head. Flanking her were two smaller women- one was a redhead that appeared to have stitches on her face while the other was a stoic looking dark-haired woman wearing reflective sunglasses. However, none of them appeared to be among the new arrivals getting ready to greet their host families. The three of them were wearing what appeared to be bulky yellow and black uniform jackets and were scanning the crowd.

 _'Extraspecies security detail'_ I chuckle to myself as the camera is focused on the reptilian woman once again.

Someone managed to stick a microphone in the dragon woman's face. The question wasn't shown on the captions, but her reply was.

 _"It's been a long flight, but I'm glad to be here and meet my host family. For now, I'm just looking forward to getting some rest and sunshine."_

Although the lizard woman and ram woman were pretty easy on the eyes, I was distracted when I felt a pair of eyes on me. To my right was a lanky, sandy haired man in a polo shirt with his business' name on it.

That was Cyrus.

To my left was a stout, slightly unkempt darker haired man in a dirty button up shirt- as though he had come straight over to the bar after he had been dismantling working on heavy equipment.

That was Clyde. The duo had been my drinking companions for awhile now, each of us often serving as a soundboard for the schemes and dreams another one of us had cooked up. Cyrus was far more calm and collected, running his own small business that centered around drones inspecting farm and ranchland from the air. Clyde was a bit more hot headed and prone to believing any rumor or conspiracy theory that he had heard, no matter how farfetched.

"Bryce- I thought we agreed on this earlier. No more than one life-altering decision needs to be made over beer." Cyrus said, nodding at the form I was filling out.

"I thought this was my freebie." I tell him, vaguely remembering the discussion awhile back.

"Nah- that was trying to fix up your uncle's old ranch." Clyde chimes in.

"You gonna do it?" Cyrus asks, glancing down at the Exchange Program's questionnaire I was in the middle of filling out.

"I think I'm gonna do it." I reply.

"Don't you do it." the other voice warns. "You just know them folks trot out the cute ones for PR and then stick you with some really dangerous ogre or spider girl or zombie..."

"How do you know, Clyde?" I ask. "Did you apply to host a homestay too?"

"No...I just read things..."

"Where?"

"Online."

"I read lots of shit online too, Clyde. Doesn't make me an expert and doesn't make it all true..." Cyrus interjects. "But he's right- discretion is the better part of valor."

"What do you mean?"

"You get a stipend from the program, right?"

"Y-yeah."

"Now- if all these extraspecies types were cute, docile little rabbitgirls, you gotta figure they wouldn't be dangling out this big fat payday for prospective homes." Cyrus reasons.

Damn it- he's right.

"No, but..." whatever rebuttal I had dies a quick death in my throat. Maybe the stipend is incentive to coax households still on the fence about hosting- even if their guest is cute and ultimately harmless. However, Cyrus speaks up before I can formulate my thoughts.

"Caveat Emptor, Bryce."

"How much money we talking about anyway?" Clyde speaks up, getting straight to the point.

"Checked around online- the Program itself is keeping it quiet, but word is some of these host families on the west coast are getting six figures."

Clyde blinked in surprise and even Cyrus seemed a bit taken aback. Gotta admit- even low six figures was pretty eye-opening.

"...per liminal." I clarify.

"What would you do with that kind of money?" Cyrus asks, startled at the revelation. "That kind of scratch would be more than enough to fix up the old ranch."

"You thinking about hosting more than one?" Clyde quickly follows up.

"I figure one should be enough for now." I chuckle.

"Yeah- but you got no say in who they stick you with." Clyde replies.

"I know..." I say as I finish off my hard cider. "Chance I gotta take, though."

With my tab paid and bidding farewell to Cyrus and Clyde, I headed out into the cool night air with my now completed postcard-sized application. The quiet buzz I had from the hard ciders I had earlier was already starting to wear off as I took in the sedate nighttime scene of just another quiet Southwestern town. The Spur was a few blocks from the post office- a brisk stroll might help ease my mind of the conflicted thoughts of what I was about to do next.

Odds are pretty good this Exchange program would be overwhelmed by so many novelty-seekers that my application would be outright ignored. But still...

Before I knew it, I was standing in front of the post office. The mailbox opened with a soft, metallic creak as I pulled the handle down. As I hesitated, I tried calculating every possible outcome of mailing off this application.

Here goes nothing.


	2. Chapter 1: Terms and Conditions Apply

Sometimes when I was at the Spur, I'd grimly joke that I was one missed payment or pothole away from what I called the 'country music trifecta'- no girl, no truck and no home. I said that because the driveway needed as much work as the ranch house did, and the bank was getting antsy about some home-improvement loans I took out earlier with the ranch as my only collateral. The whole "No Girl" thing was an ongoing issue that I was actually getting used to.

As for the driveway, navigating it was pretty tricky and my '83 Chevy C-10 was more or less a collector's item minus the TLC a dedicated collector would lavish on it. Still- the relatively high ground clearance was a saving grace for the old rattletrap.

After a week, I had nearly forgotten that I applied to be a homestay. No contact whatsoever from the Exchange Program. Not a single voicemail or letter in response to the questionnaire I sent off- not even a rejection letter. I was beginning to think that they had forgotten about me or overlooked my application altogether. Three hundred and twenty million people in the United States- even if only one tenth of them were interested in becoming homestays, that's still more than thirty million requests to sort through. Not unreasonable to assume that my paperwork would get lost in the shuffle when you look at it that way.

Nearly two weeks after I had sent off my application to the Exchange Program, I was once again making my way down the rutted half-mile long driveway when I noticed that somebody had successfully navigated it before me. Parked next to the ranch house was a black Suburban with tinted windows. As I drew closer I could see two figures leaning up against the vehicle and a third standing a short distance away, gazing at something on the horizon.

 _'Props to whichever one of them drove all the way in from Highway 79 without puncturing the oil pan on that thing'_ I muse as I draw closer. Now that I'm getting a better look, there's something familiar about at least two of the figures. They're both wearing that yellow and black uniform and jacket combo that I saw on TV the night I sent off my application. The third figure is leaning against the Suburban and appears to be smartly dressed in a dark blazer, tie, heels and skirt.

While the one scanning the horizon doesn't seem to acknowledge my presence right away, the other two are looking almost impatient- as though they've been waiting for me for awhile. With my Stetson on the passenger seat, I figured it was time to grab it and turn on the charm for my visitors.

Should I go for the aw shucks Matthew McConaghey cowboy or the more confident, stoic, deep-voiced Sam Elliot cowboy?

Killing the engine, I sidle out of the Chevy and immediately put on the Stetson in one fluid motion before tipping it to my visitors.

"Afternoon- what brings you ladies all the way out here?" I drawl. In all honesty, I had a pretty good idea what they were doing at my place, but wanted to hear it directly from them.

"Mr. Andersen..." the one in the business suit and shades begins, giving me a distinct Hugo Weaving vibe. "Bryce Andersen, is it?"

"That's correct- and to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with?"

"I'm Smith and these two are my associates." she brusquely says. "As you might've guessed, we're with the Interspecies Cultural Exchange Program"

"My pleasure- I uh...I guess you're here about my application, huh?"

 _No shit, Sherlock- why else would they be a four and a half hour drive from the nearest international airport?_

She nods. This Smith looks kind of Asian, although she's fairly tall and those sunglasses don't really allow me to get a look at her eyes. Her command of the English language is good enough for me to assume that she's a native speaker.

"We have a potential guest in mind for you, but we decided to come out and inspect the premises firsthand."

"Well then- welcome to my humble abode." I say, sweeping my arm out to indicate the barn and surrounding land as well. 'Humble' was something of an understatement. "As you can see- plenty of blue sky and wide open spaces. You gals must be starving after such a long drive out here. Can I get you a bite to eat? Maybe a coffee or soda?"

Smith seems to have perked up a little at the mention of 'coffee'.

"If it's not too much trouble, we'll take you up on your offer. But first, you should meet your new homestay."

I look around- surely it isn't the redhead with patchwork skin on her face in the black and yellow jacket. She looks like she's all business, and right now her business was babysitting this mysterious new guest and Smith. There was the other one off on the property somewhere that I caught a glimpse of on the way in.

As I turned to look around for her, I was aware of a darkness sweeping over me. It wasn't a cloud- it was something else. Looking up, I briefly catch a silhouette of something with a distinctly feminine outline swooping down on me from above, a pair of outstretched feathery wings backlit by the glare of the sun.

An Angel?

Time stands still and that thought is quickly dispelled as something big whizzes by my head. Instinctively I raise my arm to shield my face, but the looming figure is gone just as quickly as she's shown up.

And so is my Stetson.

I wheel around, not finding it on the ground right away. Still unsure of what's going on, I see my hat being clutched in a pair of talons as a giant bird noiselessly flaps its wings over by Smith and the redhead. Only I can now see that its not a bird as the talons clutching my headgear hover a few inches off of the ground.

It's a woman. A beautiful woman with feathery arms and a surprisingly voluptuous human figure whose legs tapered off to giant talons beneath the knees. The arms almost immediately taper off into almost surfboard-sized wings starting at the shoulder.

How can she fly with such a buxom figure? I thought harpies were supposed to be petite and slender for better flight efficiency. Her hair is platinum- almost white and she's wearing a pair of denim cutoffs and a light colored tank top with spaghetti straps seemingly struggling to contain a rather impressive bust. With a quick kick of her talons, my hat was now being held loosely in one of her wings- a small clawed hand barely visible among her plumage as she hovers next to Smith.

Save for a tiny disdainful smirk flashed my way, she shows next to no emotion as she alights next to the woman in the dark suit.

"Perri! That wasn't very nice!" another voice called out. Striding over from a meadow adjacent to the house was an impossibly tall woman in the same black and yellow uniform jacket as the redhead with Smith- complete with padding on her shoulders and forearms. She had tan skin and long, flowing blonde hair- but the most striking thing was the thick black horn growing from the top of her forehead.

And her height- good lord, she's a tall one, and every bit as stunning as my avian tormentor. Although the giantess has a much kinder and warmer vibe to her- I don't know how I can even tell from this distance, I just know.

"Why don't you give the nice man his hat back, Perri?" the giantess asked as she made her way over towards the four of us. Turning to me, she said "I'm sorry- I'm sure she's a little cranky after being cooped up for so long on the ride over here."

 _Please be my homestay, beautiful blonde giantess. Pretty please._

"It's no problem." I tell her, getting ready to tip a hat I don't have.

 _Dear Lord- I'm not a proud man...I will get down on my knees here and now and crawl across broken glass if it means that sweet blonde with the horn is staying with me._

The bird-woman sheepishly hands Smith my Stetson as the blonde giantess joins them.

"That's Bina and she's Tio." Smith says, nodding towards the redhead and horned blonde respectively- pretty much dashing my hopes the pretty, horned blonde giantess was going to be my live-in houseguest.

"And THIS is your new homestay..." she said, indicating the indifferent-looking harpy.

"Howdy...ou do?" I stammer as I once again absently reach for my head, already forgetting she grabbed the hat moments ago.

"What do you know about harpies, Mr. Andersen?" the one called Smith asked.

"I did a little research online. Easygoing, omnivorous...kinda on the forgetful side, apparently."

"And what do you know about the family of **raptor** harpies?" she follows up.

Shit- I didn't think there was going to be a quiz. The way she emphasized 'raptor', I can only assume there were some key distinctions between regular harpies and raptors harpies besides their eating habit. As I'm trying to come up with an answer that I think will satisfy Smith, she walks up and hands me my hat.

And that's not all.

I was handed a file folder with a logo on it.

Or more like a seal belonging to the Interspecies Exchange Program.

"I suggest you read up on your new guest, Mister Anderson. Quickly." Smith half chastised me.

Heeding her advice, I open the folder. There on the first page is a few small photos of my new avian houseguest- almost like the ones that have to accompany a passport or visa application.

"Perri Greene? Cute" I chuckle, looking up at my new housemate and then the woman in the suit and dark glasses.

The Smith lady was less than amused.

Nor was my new housemate who is slowly circling me, her snowy and auburn wings partially outstretched as she is now audiably sniffing.

"You have an interesting scent, Mr. Host. Kind of like a rabbit that can't see me, but knows I'm circling overhead." she observes dryly.

Charming.

"Don't worry- I can see you just fine." I facetiously reassured her.

Returning my attention back to the folder- anything to get my attention off of the fact that she could pretty much disembowel me with one swipe of her considerable talons, I see that my new housemate is a falcon subspecies of harpy. Part of the raptor harpy family, it went on to say.

Moving aside the pictures paper-clipped to her file, I see a little blurb that this is the third time the exchange program has attempted to find a host family for her.

There's some red flags for ya.

"Now says here I would be Miss Congeniality's third homestay. What gives?" I jerk my thumb to indicate the aloof falcon-girl who's now starting her second slow, deliberate revolution around me.

"Given that her first two homes were in densely populated suburbs with hardly any open spaces for her, the program assumed that with Peri's love of flying, a much more rural setting would be a better match for her."

Sounded plausible, but I was still getting some readings from the bullshit-o-meter.

Almost as if she sensed some doubt on my part, the giantess with the horn sticking out of her forehead spoke up.

"It seems that in Peri's old homes, she would've required a day pass if she basically wanted to fly the same distance as from your house to that barn. I'm sure you could see how that would be problematic..." she said in a remarkably soothing tone.  
Point taken. Still- why couldn't the soft-spoken taller one be staying with me?

Judging from her outfit, it looked like she and Patch Adams were at Smith's beck and call.

I turn my attention back to the folder

Diet- carnivorous.

Disposition- strong, proud, territorial.

No shit.

The dossier went on into more detail.

Physical traits- Raptor Harpy subspecies such as the Falcon Harpy typically have larger bodies and wingspans than other harpies. They are also considerably more intelligent and possess more raw physical strength than other harpy species. Certain subspecies such as the Gyrfalcon are capable of lasting in cooler climates due to additional feathers.

Awesome- so this program decided to stick me with an airborne apex predator who could outmaneuver and outsmart me and possibly even kill me on a whim.

Nothing to stress out over, really.

"Hey...is she gonna fly south for the winter?" I ask Smith, holding out a glimmer of hope that this situation I find myself in will resolve itself somehow.

The redhead in stiches scoffs before Smith gives me an answer.

"Many subspecies of harpy tend to be nomadic or migrate annually." She's looking at me with a smirk over those glasses before she continues. "But not Perri- when the weather turns cold, her plumage can grow thick enough to offer her a considerable degree of protection from the elements."

Fantastic.

The bird woman is quietly glaring at me when Tio breaks the silence as she gently places a hand on Perri's shoulder.

"Would it be all right if we took a look inside?" she asks me sweetly.

I nod, thankful for her intervention.

"Of course- this is gonna be where she hangs her hat for awhile, right?"

"Come on, Perri." the soft spoken orange giantess, coaxing the falcon girl inside. "Let's take a look at your new home..."

She sounded like a mother dropping off her nervous and uncertain daughter off for her first day of school, right down to the gentle and reassuring tone.

But instead of rebelling, the platinum-haired falcon girl meekly complies.

"Okay."

I race up the steps to the front porch and hold the door open for the four of them. As they file past, I'm pretty sure I smell formaldehyde coming from the redhead. The big, beautiful blonde carries the lingering scent of cinnamon rolls.

"All right then- welcome to my humble abode." I say as I follow the quartet to the kitchen. The place is a bit of a mess, but I did manage to get some cleaning done a few days prior so it doesn't look as bad now.

The kitchen, while clean, is still cluttered with lumber, power tools and a plastic tarp in addition to the normal appliances one can expect to find in a kitchen. Still, it wasn't lost on me that Smith, Tio, Bina and Perri all had uncertain looks on their faces.

"You'll have to pardon my dust- I've been doing some remodeling." I explain.

"If you don't mind my asking, Mister Andersen- what exactly inspired you to become a homestay with the Exchange Program?" Smith asks as she surveys her surroundings.

 _Don't say 'the money'. Don't say 'the money'. Don't say 'the money'._

Shit- she nearly tripped me up with the first question.

"Well...I wanted to open myself up to new experiences and maybe see-"

I'm interrupted by a loud electronic beeping and burst of static from the countertop. A female voice that didn't belong to any of my guests spoke up- loudly.

 _"UNIT ELEVEN- Please be advised we're getting reports of a lawnmower in lanes on the 200 block of Hidalgo Street."_

 _"Uh...riding or other, dispatch?"_ a male voice asks.

I was about ready to laugh the whole thing off before sheepishly apologizing and explaining that I kept a police scanner in the kitchen when I see that the redhead now has a Glock unholstered and is frantically scanning the counter for the source of the abrupt and startling noise.

"Whoa there...easy, Patch Adams." I tell the redhead. "That's just a scanner- why not calm down and put away the piece?"

"Why exactly do you have a police scanner?" Smith asks, the suspicion in her voice evident.

"Not a whole lot to do for entertainment in these parts, but I can always keep track of gossip or find out which one of my friends is in trouble with the law with one of these..." I explain as I point to the scanner.

"And how often does your name come up on one of these?" Bina asked me.

"Who me? I'm a model citizen for the most part." I sounded a bit too facetious when I said that.

"I wouldn't go that far..." Smith starts to say as I turn on the Keurig machine and begin adding water. "Criminal background check didn't turn up anything more than a couple of traffic citations from the Llano County sheriff's department over the last couple of years."

Coffee ready, I hand Smith a mug of Java before getting to work on a cup of my own.

"Never married, so no outstanding alimony or custody claims either."

"Right."

"However, something did come to our attention when we were vetting you as a possible host home." Smith adds.

Oh shit- I have a feeling what she's going to say next. Better not prolong the inevitable.

"Go on..."

"Your personal finances seem to be in disarray."

That was actually putting it kind of charitably. Still- I had to assume it wasn't bad enough to disqualify me from being a host if they've already made the trip out here.

"Well, you see...I inherited this ranch not too long ago and fixing it up is taking a little more-"

Smith held her hand up to cut me off.

"You don't have to say any more. Your situation is hardly unique and certainly doesn't prevent you from being a host household."

Her tone is calm and measured- almost reassuring. But...I can't shake the feeling she's building up for something.

"We couldn't help but notice that you've been falling behind on your loan from the local bank."

All too true- if she went over by the phone and checked the answering machine, she could probably be treated to a half dozen terse messages from the Loan Department of the Federal Savings Bank of Llano County reminding me that I'm a few weeks behind schedule on the home improvement loans I've taken out.

"Yeah...you know, with the economy the way it is..."

"Which is why we took the liberty of stopping by the local bank to resolve the issue on the way over here."

I nod absently before I realize what she's saying.

"Wait- resolve _HOW_?"

"To make a long story short, Mister Andersen, the exchange program paid off the outstanding balance of that loan you've taken out."

"Hang on a sec...what?"

"Oh the bank was quite interested in getting that debt off of their books Mr. Andersen." Smith said smugly as she took a sip of coffee. "And that means we're now technically part owners of this ranch, too."

Shit- is what she saying even true?

Or legal?

"At least until you can find some way to repay the Exchange program- in all likelihood regular monthly deductions from your stipend."

Bina seems to be relishing my no doubt dumbstruck expression.

A feathery wing slowly raised itself, as though Perri was in a classroom asking the teacher a question.

"How will this affect me?" she asked quietly.

Ah- straight to the point I see.

"This shouldn't- it's more or less legal wrangling over who has the legal title to your host's property." Smith shoots me a smug glance over her shades. "The Exchange program or the bank."

Sensing the tension and awkwardness, Tio attempted to intervene.

"I know- why don't we show Perri around the rest of the house?" she offered.

I was quick to take her up on it. Anything to distance myself from that damned Smith for now.

"That's the living room over there. TV's on the fritz, but I sometimes get DVDs from the library."

Perri looks unimpressed while Tio just smiles sweetly, as if to urge patience on my part.

"Now where would you like to sleep, Perri?" I ask. I'm not even sure if harpies her size need a bed or a perch. "We have a spare room in here- if that's too cramped, I can clear out some space in the old barn."

"You want me to sleep in the barn? Like cattle?" the falcon-girl asks indignantly.

"Hey now...we can spruce it up if you want, and that's only if you're not interested in the spare bedroom."

"Perri?" a soft voice behind us asks. It was Tio- she was hunched down to keep from bumping her head or horn against the hallway's ceiling. "While we're here, why don't you try the doors to see if you can get in and out- all right?"

"Oh...OK." The falcon girl said. "Good idea."

It was a good idea, except the door the falcon harpy was trying to open was the one to my bedroom, not the spare guest room.

I should also probably mention at this point that I'm a pretty big fan of the retro 1950's style pin-ups, most of all the iconic model Bettie Page. A big enough fan to have adorned my room with a couple of posters featuring the raven-tressed model scantily clad in animal skins and posing with two live cheetahs.

It didn't just stop with posters, however. There was some lighters, a calendar, a lunchbox and even a lamp I got on eBay. Nothing incredibly lewd, mind you, but if I adorned my workspace with these knickknacks somewhere with a Human Resources department, they'd probably have some words with me about my 'provocative' choice of decorations and quietly urge me to remove them. I'd stop shy of calling it a 'shrine', but whoever got a look at it would have a pretty good idea I was a fan of the late Playboy playmate.

And Perri was about to get a good look.

You see- the doors along the hallway, including the one to my bedroom, had more of a lever than a knob. Something I was pretty sure the falcon harpy could manipulate with no problem.

"Hey wait a sec- that's not your room!" I call out to Perri as I lunge towards her, hoping to stop her before she opens up the door.

Problem was that the door was already open, although she wasn't looking inside. Another problem was that I was lunging too enthusiastically. I tried to hold up, but that only made things worse as my feet got tangled up with one another. My momentum carried me forward, sending me crashing into Perri and the already opened door, causing us to land in a heap on the floor with me on top of her.

No- god damn it. This stupid shit is supposed to only happen in those insipid romantic comedies or whatever. I should've just let her catch a glimpse of my pin-up adorned bedroom and let the chips fall where they may.

"Hey...you all right?" I ask as I realize my right hand is on something warm and soft. I cock my head a little and see that I have her wing pinned to the floor- her feathers feel so unexpectedly nice and downy.

"What are you doing?" my houseguest asks me through clenched teeth.

"I'm sorry...it was an accident..." I begin to explain as I realize where my left hand is.

It's still cupping her left breast, which is even warmer and softer than the feathers along her wings.

"Oh damn! Sorry...sorry...sorry..." I repeat as I pull my hand away.

She's breathing deeply, and although I'm no longer touching them, I find myself captivated by the pronounced rise and fall of her robust bosom as they're straining the fabric and thin straps of her tank top. Her alabaster skin is so warm and inviting and I'm looking at her amber eyes- partially hidden by a tuft of her platinum hair.

Except- not too surprisingly- she looks quite pissed.

Wait a second.

I'm snapped out of my haze by the realization that my crotch is most likely mere inches from those wicked looking talons that swiped the hat from my head so effortlessly.

 _Retreat! Retreat!_

One more apology for good measure.

"Perri- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"Ahem".

Neither Perri or me were clearing our throats, so...

"Ho ho...what do we have here, Casanova?" a voice speaks up from a few feet behind us.

It's Bina standing in the doorway, and I'm still on all fours on top of Perri. I turn my head to see Smith and Tio standing behind her. I thought Perri's glare was harsh, but if looks can kill they'd be drawing a chalk outline of me on my bedroom floor thanks to the gaze that Smith is looking at me with.

Tio is looking at my room's décor with a slight blush and what seems to be quiet disapproval. Bina has this insufferably smug expression on her face.

"That picture over there is from what many would consider Bettie Page's most iconic photo shoot." I say matter-of-factly to the pretty ogress. "Now what's interesting about that it that it was taken at a safari park in Florida with live leopards, and it was all arranged by a model turned photographer named Bunny Yeager..."

" **Get off of me**..." Perri almost growls.

"Oh, right..." I'm now on my knees in front of a still sprawled out Perri.

"Mister Andersen..." she seethed. "I think this is as good a time as any to acquaint you with the Interspecies' Cultural Exchange Program's policy on fraternization with homestays."

"What's that?" I ask as I get to my feet.

"It can be summed up in one word: Don't."

I was about to say something when she continued.

"If you choose to ignore this, you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Do I make myself clear?"

"Even consensual?" I ask as Tio lithely slides past me to help Perri up.

"I'm afraid so." she sighed. Smith actually seemed a bit earnest when she said that. "This is actually for the protection of both the Extraspecies guest and the host."

"Why's that?"

"Some humans can take advantage of a liminal's lack of understanding about human culture, while certain Extraspecies are capable of using pheromones or hypnosis to entice humans into...becoming intimate with them all while lulling them into thinking the whole thing is being done of their own free will."

"What about Perri? She isn't capable of anything like that, is she?"

Perri shoots me a baleful glare that indicates consensual anything from her is going to be a non-issue for a long, LONG time.

"No- but the rules against fraternization are a blanket policy that applies to all species as well as all hosts."

"That's really not going to be a problem." Perri said coolly as she began dusting herself off with her wings.

Not even ten minutes into my homestay's introduction and already things are starting to go to shit.

"Remember- these aren't just Exchange Program guidelines. These are criminal offenses we're talking about. If we find out a homestay and their host slept together, she'd almost certainly be deported while he's looking at some prison time." Smith pushed the glasses a bit further down her nose and was glaring at me over the top of them. "And believe me- we _**WILL**_ find out."

"R-right." I stammer nervously.

Honestly, I thought it would be more than fifteen minutes before I had second thoughts about hosting a monstergirl.

Yet here I am...better say something- anything.

"Well, I appreciate your clarification on the matter." I said as I straightened myself out.

"Now- seems as though the doorknobs here aren't going to be much of an issue for Perri to use." Smith said, seamlessly changing the topic. "As of now, it appears that the house itself doesn't require any extensive modifications to accommodate her."

The rest of the tour of my property concluded without incident. The doors, cabinets and even the shower were accessible to Perri. Apparently my conduct was enough to persuade Smith and the others that I wasn't this degenerate rapist who got off on throwing unsuspecting raptor harpies to the ground and feeling them up.

Granted knocking my homestay to the ground and groping her tits was going to be an extraordinarily hard act to follow.

Still, I was getting anxious and couldn't wait for Smith, Bina and Tio to get out of my sight. The first two because they were starting to rub me the wrong way and the latter because I knew no matter how much I apologized or tried to explain what happened, I still felt like I disappointed the sweet, gentle giantess.

Smith's parting gift was a list of Exchange Program contact numbers (including her own) and a check- the first month's stipend. Just as important was a trio of laminated cards attached to a lanyard- they were the day passes that would let Perri venture from the property unaccompanied. Apparently she got three of those a month.

Damn it- I really could use a drink.

And that's exactly why I went to the Spike almost as soon as Smith and the others parted company with me and my homestay.

 _Do not pass 'GO', Do not collect $200, Go Directly to the Copper Spike._

Told Perri I'd be out for a little bit and she could do some exploring and unpacking while I was gone. I didn't even bother cashing the first month's stipend check from the exchange program, since the bank was closed by the time I got to town.

Almost as soon as I settle into my barstool, a familiar voice speaks up besides me.

"So tell us all about her."

It was Clyde. Damn, he seemed particularly annoying today, but his curiosity was only natural. I turned and saw Cyrus standing next to him- each of them holding a pool cue. He seemed content to let Clyde ask all the prying questions while just listening to the answers.

"How did you guys know?"

"Doreen said a Suburban with tinted window and out of state plates rolled into the Sinclair station." Clyde nodded towards the barmaid. "Business lady-type with dark glasses got out and was asking for directions to your place."

"Asked for you by name." Doreen chuckled. "Thought maybe you got yourself a sugar momma there, Bryce."

"Naw- Bryce applied to be a host for one of those monstergirls." Clyde said cheerfully.

Damn it Clyde- do you want me to answer the questions or are you just gonna go around telling everyone that I applied for to be a host?

"Oh really?" Doreen was polishing a glass before hanging it up on a rack.

I inhale sharply.

"Seven and seven, Doreen." I sigh.

"So what's this new girl-"

I silently hold up my index finger to cut Clyde off. I'm not saying another damn word until I get my drink.

Craning my neck, I see that Doreen is using some Jack Daniels for my drink. I should probably break my unofficial vow of silence to thank her for breaking out the good stuff for me.

Nope. I'm not gonna say a damn thing until that glass is on a coaster in front of me.

Sure enough, there it is before me after a short wait.

Dolores, Clyde and Cyrus are all leaning in as if I'm going to dish some juicy gossip. And the events of today certainly could qualify.

"Turns out the Wheel of Extraspecies landed on 'Harpy' when I spun it." I say as I take a pull from my drink.

The bartender looks disappointed and excuses herself.

"Some sort of Falcon or Raptor Harpy, it turns out." I clarify.

"What's she like?" Cyrus finally speaks up.

"She's kinda cute." I understate. "Not much for words, as it turns out. Can't say if that's because of jet-lag or whatever..."

"And the money?" Clyde asks.

Shit. There's no reason these two have to know about Smith verbally emasculating me in front of her subordinates and my houseguest over my financial woes.

"Not as much as I thought, but I am getting a monthly stipend."

"Well- they're giving you money to rebuild your place so that you can better accommodate her, right?"

"Turns out I may not need to do too much since bird-girl can use the doorknobs and cupboards indoors. Might be for the best, since there's probably some strings attached with that extra money." I sigh.

"Still...a harpy? You might've just dodged a bullet then, Bryce." Clyde says.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Oh man- I heard this one guy in Japan ended up with a lamia housemate- super pretty and affectionate, but she really didn't know her own strength and wrapped herself around him one night and _**BAM**_!. It was like goddamned Lenny from _Of Mice and Men_ \- she might as well have squeezed a tube of toothpaste empty..."

"Clyde-" I try cutting him off.

It's no good. Once he gets started...

"Only...you know- instead of toothpaste, it was his guts all over the floor."

"Holy shit- Clyde, I don't want to hear this right now."

Hardly missing a beat, Clyde turns to Cyrus and Doreen.

"I heard about a different guy- I think it was over in Japan, too. Exchange program gives him a mermaid- real polite and refined. He gets some money to remodel the place and add a pool to accommodate her. But this chick is really messed up in the head, and one night after she lures him into the pool, she seduces him..."

Well now- mandatory prison sentence notwithstanding, I like where that bit of gossip and innuendo is going.

"...and then drowns him."

Fuck. Spoke too soon.

"Oh shit- you probably don't even want to hear about this spider-girl dominatrix then-" he continues.

"You're right- I don't." I offer.

"I hear they mate and then devour their partners afterwards." Clyde blurted out.

"Jesus Clyde- what part of 'I don't want to hear about it' was so hard to understand? Where were you with these horror stories when I was still filling out the application?"

"I didn't do any research until after you sent off that form!"

My palm is firmly planted on my face now. Truth be told, I didn't do much research either. Still- to the casual observer, it looked like this was my response to Clyde...who was really under no obligation to do any research for me.

"You seem a little testy there, Bryce..." Cyrus says.

"Yeah- as big a pain in the ass as your bird girl might be, at least she's not poisonous or can turn you to stone..."

"Or drinks your blood." Cyrus offers. "We have enough trial lawyers around these parts- don't need any more bloodsuckers."

There's a bit of a pause as the two glance behind them before I speak up.

"What does she look like again?"

"You're asking me what the giant woman with falcon's wings and friggin' talons looks like?"

Cyrus nods. "Well- I mean...does she look like anyone famous?"

"Not that many famous falcons out there." I say, taking another pull from the glass half filled with 7up and Jack Daniels. "She could be a model, though. Maybe if Christina Hendricks had wings and could fly and had almost white hair and these scary but amazing gold eyes."

"Tell us about it." Clyde urged.

"Well, she's got white, almost silvery hair. Her feathers are white and brown. I think standing up she's just shy of 6 feet tall, so only a little shorter than me..."

"What about her eyes?"

"Y'know- I think the best way to describe them is 'gold'. I imagine she doesn't miss too much with them, tho. I mean with phrases like 'eagle-eyed' or 'watching like a hawk', I imagine she's got excellent eyesight like most birds of prey do."

"And you say she's good looking?"

"Oh- without a doubt. She's real easy on the eyes. Too bad it looks like there's zero personality to go with that..." I say as I finish the last of my Seven and even.

"Nice body?"

I nod before I continue.

"I tell ya what, though- those tits of hers...gotta be at least a Double 'D' from looking at them." Except I did a little more than look. "I mean they're big- I don't know how she even gets airborne with those things. Kinda got me wondering what falcon's milk tastes like, y'know?"

Clyde and Cyrus are both smirking like grade-schoolers just moments away from pulling off an elaborate prank. They can't be this amused by my description of my well-endowed avian houseguest- there's gotta be something more to it.

"Actually, as an early bloomer, I learned from a young age how to compensate for their size and weight whenever I take flight." a stoic, feminine voice spoke up behind me.

Fuck me.

Perri was standing behind me this whole time. I couldn't see her in the bar's mirror because the lower half was obscured by all the bottles lines up alongside its base.

Well- this explains why Clyde and Cyrus were smirking so much.

"Sports bras help, also." she continued in her monotone.

"Clyde, you motherfucking Brony!" I snarl.

"Hey man- that was supposed to be in the strictest of confidence!" Clyde stammers, aghast appalled at my apparent betrayal of his deepest, darkest secret.

"What's a Brony?" a genuinely confused Cyrus asks.

"You don't want to know." I reassure Cyrus before I lunge at Clyde. "But I'm sure Clyde can tell you all about it after I beat his pony-living ass into the-"

I'm stopped by a curtain of auburn and white feathers.

It's my homestay, who doesn't see much humor in the present situation.

"Oh hey, Perri!" I said casually, doing my utmost to ignore that I was openly admiring her breasts moments ago. I suppose that's a step up from my unsolicited fondling the them. "Fancy meeting you here. How'd you manage to track me down?"

"It wasn't difficult- I'm already accustomed to your scent and was able to locate you here. Also, a municipality of this size has a limited number of establishments that you could be in."

"So what brings you out here?"

She faltered, even if only for a moment.

"I wanted to make sure you weren't spending the Exchange Program's stipend on alcohol."

My my...so suspicious.

"How thoughtful." I mumbled.

"Mr. Host really needs to be on his way." Perri said to Clyde and Cyrus in a surprisingly apologetic tone.

"Hey now- I'm not finished here." I retort.

"I think you are."

"My home, my rules."

"You're not home anymore, though."

Shit. Unassailable logic right there.

"My money- I haven't even cashed the stipend check yet."

"But there are laws here against operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated, yes?" the falcon-girl reasons. "And that's your primary means of getting around, isn't it? I'm sure the legal costs will eat into funds that were designated to make your home more accessible for Extra-species like me."

Clyde and Cyrus shift uncomfortably on their stools as Perri asks this.

"So you plan on dragging me away?" I challenge her.

She looks around for a moment before stepping closer and speaking to me in a much quieter voice.

"My talons are capable of carrying off a deer or young elk. I doubt you would pose a significant problem." Perri said in a soft, icy monotone.

It was her little way of saying 'Try me'.

Shit- this sucks. A cold, emotionally distant nagging wife without the benefit of her doing any of those freaky and lewd or sweet and affectionate things wives do for husbands.

Fuck- I'm not even henpecked...I'm falconpecked.

"He's ready to pay tonight's tab." Perri said to the Doreen, pointing a giant kite-sized wing directly at me.

"The hell I am" I grumbled.

"You are, man..." Cyrus interjected, giving me a look that told me I needed to pick my battles more wisely. "Pay the tab, Bryce."

If all eyes weren't on me beforehand, they certainly were now. Even the jukebox was quiet, whatever country tune had been twanging on it earlier stopped shortly after Perri's arrival.

"Fine..." I huffed as I dug around my wallet and fished out a minty-green portrait of Andrew Jackson before setting it down on the bar. Browbeaten and nagged by the quiet-but-imposing falcon girl for all my friends and drinking buddies to see.

"Keep the change." I sullenly inform the bartender as I turn to leave.

I was about ready to ask Perri if she was riding back with me or flying back on her own when a thought occurred to me.

"Hey Perri? Do you have your day pass?" I ask in a normal tone, yet still loud enough for the whole bar to hear.

The falcon girl's stoic expression falters as she looks away.

"N-no...I don't." Perri says quietly.

A triumphant smirk starts to creep across my face.

"You know you're not supposed to go out on your own without a day pass, right?" I chide her in a voice just above normal conversational volume.

"I seemed to have forgotten it..." she murmurs, suddenly finding the Budweiser sign on the other end of the bar absolutely beguiling.

"Oh- you know what that means, right?"

Perri says nothing.

"Come on, Perri." I say in front of the entire bar in my best _I'm-very-disappointed-in-you_ voice. "I guess Smith doesn't have to know about this, but I'm taking you home."

The falcon-girl remains quiet, but I can see her teeth are now clenched and I can see her glaring daggers at me in the blood red glow of one of the neon signs as we get ready to exit the establishment.

We're leaving on **MY** terms now. Hooray for salvaging a tiny shred of my dignity!

Still...

I glance at the fuming, platinum-haired falcon girl.

Oh lordy- this was going to be a long and awkward ride home.


	3. Chapter 2- Bird's The Word

" _Damn it, this is stupid_." I kept repeating to myself throughout the afternoon.

Today's activity? Touching up the painted lines on the middle of route 168, even though they didn't need it.

Why? Because if we didn't do it in the next six weeks, the Highway Department would lose the funding by this time next year for when the road actually DID need to get the paint touched up. But since we're doing it now, the paint won't even need to get touched up by the time next year's budget is released.

Government in action.

I had long ago stopped trying to make sense of the byzantine world of local politics and by extension my employer's budget. This afternoon, my biggest concern was getting creamed by some speed demon who assumed the 'ROAD WORK AHEAD' signs we put out were for some other highway they were barreling down.

And also the brooding bird girl at home.

Last night's ride home was remarkably subdued given the tension accompanying her surprise (to me, at least) visit at the Spur. I was reasonably certain Perri was going to use her talons to gouge my eyes out as soon as there were no witnesses, but instead the harpy gave me the silent treatment.

Not that she seemed like a huge conversationalist to start off with.

Still, there's that old saying 'The Quiet Before the Storm'. As of this morning, Hurricane Perri showed no signs of making landfall before I had to leave for work. All afternoon, I couldn't help but wonder what kind of reception I had to look forward to when I got home.

" _Bryce, you can let the next 20 through_ ".

How does she get dressed anyways? from the looks of her top yesterday, it looked as though her tank top had some sort of clasps or hooks that were easier for her to fasten with her wing/claw/hands. Am I going to have to buy specialty clothes for her or can I get her regular human clothing?

" _Yo, Bryce_!"

Even though I had an additional source of income now, I hadn't quite reached the Johnny Paycheck take-this-job-and-shove-it threshold with the highway department. Hell, I hadn't even approached Drive By Truckers' This-Fucking-Job level of discontent. The work was hard and the pay was subpar, but at least I had an awesome dental plan.

However, a killer smile wasn't going to hold off foreclosure.

Nor were my pearly whites gonna put food on the table for me or Perri. And what about food? Those talons looked pretty nasty and I'm sure she wasn't kidding about dragging off some of the larger mammals with them. If she still hunts for her own food, I'm afraid it may be only a matter of time before the town is plastered with Missing Dog posters and suspicious glares are directed my way.

Shit- there's still a thick manila envelope's worth of material about Perri that I need to catch up on. How could they just stick me with her and dash off like that, anyway?

" **HEY**! _Earth to Bryce_!" the radio crackles.

I'm jolted out of my reverie by the radio.

"Sorry- I thought we were gonna start taking some of the cones down before letting them through." I radioed back as I flipped the little sign-on-a-stick from 'STOP' to 'SLOW'.

"Why would we do that when the paint still needs to dry?" the voice on the other end asks impatiently.

Line of cars, pickups, buses and even a dump truck that I had been keeping at bay with nothing more than my Stop sign began to slowly roll past, each driver no doubt looking reproachfully at me as they crept through our work area.

I suppose the beauty of painting lines on the road in the high desert is that they tend to dry much quicker in the heat and sunlight.

Wait- did one of those kids on that school bus just flip me off?

Ah well, I was young once. If I had been stuck on an idling school bus with no A/C for ten minutes, I'd probably flip off the responsible party too.

The last of the waiting vehicles creeps past and I flip my sign on a stick from 'SLOW' back to 'STOP'.

I really should do something for Perri after things started off on the wrong boob...er...foot...no-wait...talon the other day.

That first check from the Exchange program still hasn't been cashed yet.

Whatever it was, it would have to be fairly inexpensive.

I begin racking my brain for ideas as a line of cars and trucks starts creeping by heading the other direction and I'm halfheartedly directing them to the right lane on the other side of the cones. It's not like they really needed my guidance to find the right side of the road once they went past the stretch we were painting.

That's when it hit me. No- not the Kenworth dump truck that was bringing up the rear of the two dozen or so vehicles my colleague was waving through the other side of the road work area.

There's a little mom and pop drugstore in town- not affiliated with any chain or anything and as a bonus they had their own lunch counter. The place even has a soda fountain where they still make old-fashioned malts. Various travel bloggers had discovered this and spoke quite highly of it, giving it four and a half starts

Come to think of it, after a long, hot, noisy day of holding up a 'SLOW/STOP' sign, an ice cream malt would really hit the spot.

After what seemed like all afternoon, my radio crackled once again.

" _OK Bryce- we can start putting the cones away_."

Apparently our foreman was satisfied the lines they spent all afternoon painting had dried and the normal traffic flow could resume.

* * *

After wrapping things up at today's work site, the ride home just seemed to pass in the blink of an eye.

Another day at 'the office' was done, and now instead of dreading coming home to a sulking, moody bird girl, I couldn't wait to invite her out for a cool, refreshing malt. Lord knows I could use one of those myself right about now.

But as soon as I step out of my truck and put on my stetson, a thought occurs to me.

Isn't this a bit like a date? And even if Perri was up for it, wouldn't I technically be breaking the Exchange Program's 'No Fraternization' rule? I quickly dismiss the idea- we're going out for an ice cream malt- probably the most wholesome 'date' activity (if I even wanted to call it a date) there was out there. It's not like we're going to shoot and upload some homemade porn together while doing meth. Besides- as much as the girl loves flying around, isn't the whole point of this Interspecies Exchange Program to have at least some interaction with other humans?

I can't help but wonder what she's been doing all day. Probably unpacking and flying-

My train of thought is interrupted as a dark shadow suddenly envelopes me. I turn and look up just in time to see Perri swooping down on me, her wings spread. The falcon harpy is backlit by the sun, but the brim of my Stetson allows me to get a glimpse of her as she soundlessly swoops down on me.

She seems to be smirking, too.

Before I know it, I flinch as she swoops past and suddenly I'm feeling a bit lightheaded.

Not woozy, but as though something's missing...from my head.

Son of a bitch, she did it again! Both hands are reflexively feeling around my hatless head as I spy my Stetson, now in the talons of the falcon harpy as she's climbing with incredible speed. Satisfied with her elevation, Perri then begins to bank right and lazily circle over the house and front yard.

If she was trying to goad me into some sort of reaction, she didn't stick around to see it up close before taking off to circle over the house and driveway.

As Perri banked sharply overhead, I was awestruck at how this scene- a rather attractive and human-sized bird woman circling above my home- would've been inconceivable a few short months ago.

Now it's getting kind of old. I scowl as I see that my Stetson is still in the clutches of Perri's talons.

I take a few breaths to calm myself, although watching the beautiful but aloof harpy glide, bank and ride the currents of the wind is pretty relaxing in and of itself. Still, that's the second day in a row she's made off with my hat.

"Hey Perri- Got a minute!?" I call out to her.

She doesn't say anything right away but continues circling at a much lower altitude.

"What is it, Mr Host?" she asks calmly.

"Well, I was thinking...How about you and I go out tonight?"

"We're not going to that tavern I had to pull you out of last night, are we?" she asked sullenly.

"Nah- this will be a little bit different."

"This isn't going to be a date, is it?" she asks warily.

"Not unless you want it to be."

She's flying low enough that I can hear her scoff when I said that. She circled a few more times before speaking up once again.

"What exactly did you have in mind?"

"Well- I gotta do a few things in town anyway and thought you might like to come with me. We can grab a bite to eat or a malt at Culberson's...best ice cream malt in Fort Quinn- I swear!"

Technically the ONLY place in town that served an ice cream malt, but let's not dwell on that super-important detail at this point.

"Hmm...let me think about it." she pondered.

She was now lazily circling low enough that I could reach out and snatch my hat back from her talons if I timed my jump just right. But I decided against it since it looked as though she was coming in for a landing.

Perri slows down by flapping her wings a few times- barely making a sound despite the fact that each one is the size of a surfboard and I'm standing next to her when she alights. I can see that she once again deftly managed to bring my hat from her talons to her wing-hands as she landed.

"You don't have to take me out to eat, you know. I saw plenty of rabbits and rattlesnakes from my earlier flight- I'm sure any of those would've sufficed-"

"Uh uh...if the exchange program is giving me a stipend to cover the cost of your meals, then it's not going to kill you to go out for a bite to eat in town every once in awhile" I interrupt.

"Very well- if you insist, I will accompany you into town." Perri sighed as she handed back my hat.

* * *

Culberson's was something of a throwback. Besides serving as the only functioning pharmacy around for miles, they also had the lunch counter and soda fountain as well as various toiletries and household items on sale like any other pharmacy or market.

Fortunately for us, there was abundant parking on Main Street in front of Culberson's and still some daylight left.

Perri seemed to be able to work the interior door handles of the truck without much problem. However, as soon as she stepped out her eyes seemed to lock on something off in the distance.

And she's...….sniffing?

"Hey- everything all right, Perri?" I ask my homestay.

She gets a few more sniffs in before responding to me.

"I believe so." she tells me indifferently before giving her feathers an abrupt shake, leaving a few to flutter to the pavement.

As for the soda fountain, it was usually manned by a local high school kid hired to work behind the counter. I always suspected learning to operate that thing might've been a bit like learning to operate a steam locomotive or moveable-type printing press. A tangible relic of a bygone era that people were still enjoying.

A little bell jingled as I opened the door for Perri and quickly followed her inside.

"Hi! Welcome to Culber….son's..." the kid behind the counter began to trail off upon seeing the avian visitor.

"Hey there!" I started out pretty chipper. "Got any recommendations?"

"Well sir..." the nervous kid began. "Our flavor of the week is peanut butter swirl."

I sat down at one of the stools in front of the counter with Perri hesitantly sitting down next to me.

"Sounds good- put me down for one." I tell the kid before turning to Perri. "What would you like?"

"Ummm….." Perri was looking up at the menu board as though she was looking for something but couldn't quite find it. "D-do you have any flavors with green tea?"

"I'm afraid not, ma'am...…" the kid said, seemingly more bewildered at Perri's unorthodox ice-cream request than the fact that he was taking an order from an adult female harpy. "Besides what we've got on the menuboard here, there's also black raspberry, peanut butter swirl and pistachio dream."

Sensing our befuddlement at her request, Perri quietly explained to me and the kid. "Green tea ice cream was pretty popular when I was living in Japan."

"Really?" I ask.

"Is it any good?" the kid follows up as he goes to work at the antique fountain making my peanut butter swirl ice cream malt.

"I guess you could say it's an acquired taste."

Now the kid is scooping some ice cream into a shiny cylindrical metallic pitcher.

"Seeing how there's no green tea ice cream, do you have a 'Plan B'?" I ask Perri as the fountain machine that dates back to the Eisenhower administration noisily whirrs to life.

Perri said something, but I could hardly hear her over the machine. I asked her to repeat herself as my drink was now being mixed inside that metal cup.

" _I MAY._..…"

Suddenly the machine stopped.

"I may just have a vanilla one." Perri said much more quietly now that the machine was off.

"Can't go wrong with the classics." the kid said as he went to work. I suppose he might've come off as trying too hard, but it was actually refreshing to see someone so enthusiastic about their job, given its pretty unique nature.

I could barely hear the bells along the door jingle over the machine and turn around. It's a small town- it wouldn't be that unusual to run into Cyrus or Clyde here- maybe properly introduce them to Perri in less awkward circumstances.

Instead, it was a mostly bald older gentleman who quietly greeted the three of us a slightly awkward wave before shuffling off to the pharmacy's men's room.

The lunch counter fell quiet again when the clerk shut down the soda fountain machine and brought over both of our malts, but not before adding a dollop of chocolate syrup to mine and some whipped cream and a cherry on top of Perri's.

Even though Perri ordered the most basic thing from the menu, she looks quite pleased as the malt is set down before her.

I take a few sips from mine- it's a bit like drinking from a chilled peanut butter cup. Perri was tentatively holding onto her glass with both wing-claws as she took her first sip from the straw. I had almost forgotten that she had pretty limited dexterity in those.

"How is it?" he eagerly asked the two of us.

I gave him a thumbs-up while Perri looked like she had something to say.

"This is pretty..."

That's as far as she got before the bells along the door rang even louder as the pharmacy's front door virtually exploded open. This startled Perri, who lost her grip on the freshly delivered malt, sending the glass' contents tumbling across the countertop.

"See- what did I tell you?" a barely feminine voice bellowed from the entrance.

"Ew- I guess you're right. They'll let _anyone_ in here..." a second voice spoke up.

I turned around to see two rather homely women- both human and standing at the entrance. The shorter, chubbier one with scraggly blonde hair was looking at Perri and myself with a disgusted sneer on her face while she held up a camera phone.

"Remember that golf-ball sized clump of bird shit on the hood of your car last week?" the taller, far more masculine one began to bellow out. "I guess we know who the responsible party is."

"I...I can make you another one if you want." the kid working the soda fountain said to an unresponsive Perri.

The gruesome twosome took a couple of steps into the pharmacy.

"Wonder what she's doing here. Don't those things eat like...worms and seeds and shit like that?" chubs asked loudly as she was walking right past Perri.

Damn it- seems like they're here for no other reason than to instigate a fight. Hard to believe Perri could slip in and out of an one hundred percent authentic redneck bar without catching even a fraction of the shit these two fugly loudmouths are spewing right now.

Taking my eyes off the two of them, I could see Perri quietly glaring at the remnants of her spilled malt on the countertop.

"Perri?" I ask quietly.

"Here you go..." the kid said nervously as he handed Perri a replacement malt.

"Perri, are you-?" I begin to ask before I'm interrupted by the bellowing of the mannish half of the gruesome twosome.

" _HEY KID_ \- when your balls are ready to drop, me and my friend here would like a paddy melt." she shouted.

"You know, I heard that these bird-girls are an all female species. They need human men to reproduce." Chubs said.

"Really? Apparently they haven't heard of these things called 'standards'." Butchie sneered at her friend. "Seems like they'll sleep with any pathetic, trashy piece of shit to keep the species going."

As I'm gritting my teeth, Perri seems to be trying to burn a hole into the countertop using just her eyes.

"Ew...what kind of loser is desperate enough to try and score with a girl who's part bird, anyway?"

"Seriously- I'd hate to have my car parked under whatever tree she's roosting in."

Perri quietly shakes her head as the two obnoxious women continue. If she's had behavioral issues before and these two successfully goad her into a fight, my homestay could be looking at deportation after barely two days.

I better nip this shit in the bud while I can.

The Falcon harpy much more cautiously clasps the glass containing her replacement malt as I stand up from the soda fountain's counter.

Chubs and Butchie seem to have paused in their loud, obnoxious banter when they see that I'm walking towards the booth they settled into.

"Excuse me, ladies...I couldn't help but notice that you had a few things to say about my homestay."

"What about it?"

I bite my lower lip in contemplation. "Seems like you're going out of your way to be exceedingly rude to her."

"We didn't say a thing to her!" Chubs said defensively.

"Yet you can see her plain as day and aren't even using your indoor voice."

"Whatever- you're not my dad. Why don't you go back to your fine, feathered friend- bird fucker?" Butchie demands.

"That's uncalled for." I said. "If anything, I thought your status might make you more sympathetic to those who are different from the rest of us."

"What status?"

"You know...your gender reassignment surgery."

The lankier, more masculine one stopped smirking, her face immediately curling into a mask of hate.

"I'm not a fucking tranny, all right?"

"Oh- I get it. You must be Pre-op, then. In that case, I wish you the best of luck. I heard it's a long, drawn-out procedure..."

"What are you talking about, asshole? You need to go back to your little-" the chubbier woman began before I cut her off.

"And YOU- what kind of example are you setting for your unborn baby?" I ask her.

She had gone from angry to crestfallen in the blink of an eye,

"I'm not pregnant, you ass!"

"You're not?" I ask facetiously. "My apologies- this is a bit awkward, now- isn't it?"

I suppose I could've twisted the knife a bit by pointing out that someone would actually have to be willing to perform coitus with her in order for her to get pregnant, but I figured I'd leave well enough alone for the time being.

"Kinda sucks when someone jumps to conclusions based on outward appearances, huh?" I ask before I turn my back on the two of them, ready to sit back down with Perri at the counter.

Although I'm not really listening, I can hear the chubby one try to reassure the mannish one " _He's not worth it- don't do it_."

The next thing I know, I hear a chair sliding behind me. In the back of my mind, it occurs to me that I should be worried and turn around so I can at least see what's going on behind me. Now standing and following through on a delivery that would make Max Scherzer jealous, she just threw one of the clear jars of sugar on the table at me.

Everything seems to be moving in slow motion- at least everything except for the heavy glass projectile closing in on my head. I could duck, but it seems like it's going to hit me in the face nonetheless.

Shit- even if I duck, this thing is moving fast enough to give me a huge shiner or chipped tooth at the very least.

Or that's what I thought until I saw a blur of white feathers before my eyes. The next thing I know the glass container goes sailing off to my right and shatters against the wall.

Standing next to me is the voluptuous falcon woman, her face glowering and her breasts heaving- putting considerable strain on the clasps holding her tank top in place.

"You..." she said between breaths before turning to me. "I don't need you making a big scene thinking you're doing me any favors."

My God- those golden eyes of hers were almost like a cool, relaxing spring in a desert oasis that I never wanted to leave.

Quickly, I regained my composure. "Regardless of what you think, **SOME** people need to learn some damn manners."

I thought I did a pretty good job concealing my disappointment that Perri seemed more interested in arguing with me than showing any appreciation for having some words with the gruesome twosome on her behalf.

"Let them say whatever they please. Do you think I concern myself with the thoughts of the vermin and invertebrate on the ground each time I soar through the skies?"

"Did you just call me 'vermin'?" the manly, sugar-chucking half of the gruesome twosome spoke up, now addressing Perri directly for the first time.

"Calm down, sugartits…." I interject.

"Oh- you're really asking for it now." the chubby one spoke up.

"These two seem intent on instigating some sort of confrontation with me." Perri said before she flashed a lanyard containing her day pass. "I think at this juncture it would be prudent for me to take my leave."

God damn it...I just wanted to take Perri out for a good old-fashioned milkshake and these two harridans won't even let me do that in peace.

"That's right- run away...fucking chickenshit." the mannish-looking one said as she stepped out from behind the table and closed in on me and Perri.

That tears it, as soon as this bitch gets close enough she's getting a chair right to her ugly mug.

I can hear Perri exhale. She had remained fairly calm throughout this whole thing, but apparently Butchie's words finally got to her.

The falcon harpy looks like she's ready to rumble.

As soon as I realize that, another thought occurs to me. Even if she's defending herself, this could be considered Perri's third strike- if she gets into a fight, odds are she'll be deported. And if she gets deported within a few days of her arriving at my home, I'll probably be blacklisted by the Interspecies Exchange Program and can kiss goodbye any chance of winding up with a much cuter cat girl, fox girl, wolf girl, kobold or any homestay with more personality than a fudgesicle.

And news travels very fast in small towns like this.

The next thing I know, I'm protectively stepping in front of Perri. It brings me little comfort to know that if Butchie is going to take a swing at my homestay, she has to go through me. And here she is, charging like a bull.

" **HEY**!" A gruff voice calls out.

Butchie stops in her tracks and I turn my head to see the balding, somewhat grizzled older gentleman taking the sight of the three of us.

Looks like he's taken care of business in the john.

"Can't a guy buy a birthday card for his granddaughter in peace?" He grumbles.

There's something about him...the way he carries himself just screams former police or military, and he has some sort of an east coast accent I can't quite put my finger on.

Moreover, with just a few words he managed to stop Butchie in her tracks and suddenly Perri didn't look quite as ready for a fight.

The old man no doubt senses my eyes upon him, but he simply looks at me and shakes his head dismissively.

"Calm down kid- you'll get yourself worked up and have a heart attack at this rate." he half grumbles, half chuckles.

"You too, Ma'am." He said, nodding at Perri.

Holy shit- is this old goat trying to pick up on my avian homestay?

Before I can say anything, he simply saunters off to a display rack stocked with greeting cards and begins sifting through them. Perri, myself and the gruesome twosome are speechless- this crotchety old man prevented a brawl with just a few stern words before going about his merry way.

The Manly-looking half of the gruesome twosome was just as uninterested in any further dealings with this mysterious old man as we were as she headed back to her friend at the table.

"C'mon Perri." I hear myself say as I laid some cash out on the counter for the kid. "Might as well save that pass for another day and let me take you home.

Astonishingly, the voluptuous raptor harpy didn't argue with me, but quietly nodded instead. It was pretty clear she had seen enough as well.

* * *

Much like the ride back from the Copper Spur that first night Perri tracked me down, a tense silence permeated in the cab of the pickup as the lights cut through the encroaching darkness.

The harpy was staring out the window in contemplation as we sped down Route 79 while a sad-but-uptempo country tune on the radio was struggling to be heard over the growl of the diesel engine. It was strangely sublime and even beautiful for a few fleeting moments- this pairing of the mundane with the exotic and otherworldly.

At long last, I manage to find my voice.

"Perri- I gotta ask you to be more careful in the future."

"What do you mean?" she asks, clearly puzzled.

"I don't want you doing anything that would get you in trouble with Smith or MON." I clarify. "I saw your personnel file- it never went into specifics, but it mentions that you got in trouble a few times over in Japan."

"Those weren't my fault! Those were just...misunderstandings." Perri says defensively. "Besides, I wasn't paying attention to anything those human women said until you decided to jump in."

Shit. She has a point.

"I was kinda hasty- I guess my temper got the better of me." I admitted. "But I couldn't let some of that bullshit they were saying about you slide."

"Oh...I see what's going on now."

"You do?"

"Yeah- you're worried about losing your meal ticket, so you want to keep me in line. ' _Straighten up and fly right_ '- does that about cover it?" she asks me churlishly.

"No- that's not it."

"Really?" Perri's skepticism is apparent as she continues. "Then what is it?"

"Well- it's just..." I stammer. The more I stammer and sound uncertain, the more convinced she's going to be that she was right about me only being interested in a stipend from the Exchange program. "That's no way to treat a guest- you aren't just a guest in my home, but in this community too. But instead of leaving well enough alone, they were calling you 'nasty' and saying you crapped on their cars and shit like that. But they were wrong and they knew it- you're actually kinda hot, Perri."

Whoops- where the fuck did that come from?

I mean, besides the fact that Perri is indeed stunning. Still, that was way too many cards I just laid on the table.

"But the ambient temperature is adequate-" the falcon girl begins.

"No- it's a human saying- it means that you're...uh...good looking."

Perri looks as though she's about to say something when my words sink in.

"Y-you think I'm attractive?" the raptor harpy asks in a surprisingly meek tone. "Wh-why on earth would you say such a thing? I'm not even human..."

"I guess 'cause it's true." I shrug. "And it hardly matters that you're not human."

Oh damn- now a little bit of color is creeping into her cheeks and her eyes are as wide as saucers, only adding to her overall allure. Except instead of returning my gaze, she goes back to staring out the passenger side window.

"Well..." she harrumphed, attempting to sound much more confident. "You certainly wouldn't be the first human to indicate my physical appearance is pleasing to them, but you should know that my first love shall always be the open sky..."

"If you say so." I chuckle as I tap the brakes. Our turnoff was coming up in a few hundred feet and I flicked the turn signal.

"By the way...do you have any idea where you'd like to go with your day passes?"

"I haven't given it too much thought." Perri began as she resumed gazing out the window. "I suppose I'm still getting acclimated."

Honestly, that was a better answer than I realistically could have hoped for after tonight's fiasco.

"Take your time- just let me know where you're going when you end up deciding to use them." Subconsciously, I'm still feeling the need to assert myself as the authority figure or else she's going to end up walking all over me- but after what happened in Culberson's I don't want to needlessly antagonize her, either.

* * *

The ride up the driveway continued in slightly less awkward silence before we pulled in front of the house and I killed the engine.

"Perri…" I sigh. "I'm sorry things got out of hand back there-"

"There was nothing you could do, Mr Host. You couldn't force those women to be civil any more than you could force me to change the color of my plumage." she said coolly, but with a measure of understanding in her voice. "Some individuals will always be like that."

She was right- I wish there was more I could do about it. A nice, quiet night out shouldn't be too much to ask for.

"If you'd like to go out again, I'd be happy to accompany you." I offer.

The harpy's wing was stroking her chin as though in contemplation.

"Well- tonight's malt was adequate, but the aromas emanating from that one structure with the glowing green cactus was most intriguing." her face seemed to light up when she was recounting that.

Glowing green cactus? She must be talking about the neon sign in front of Fort Quinn's only Mexican place- La Olla Cobre. Now that I think about it, she was looking off in the direction of La Olla Cobre when we first got to the pharmacy.

Come to think of it, it's been awhile since I had any Mexican food.

"Good idea- I know where you're talking about, and we'll have to try that next time." I said enthusiastically, glad to see my homestay was looking upbeat for what seemed like the first time tonight.

I was about to offer to come around and open the truck's door for her when she seemed to be able to do that on her own. Upon letting herself out, she briefly sniffed the air and examined her surroundings before heading towards the front door with me following.

* * *

"Good night, Mr, Host." Perri said quietly.

Her choice of nighttime attire didn't seem that unusual, but was still pretty attention-getting considering her voluptuous, buxom frame.

A snug, hot pink sleeveless t-shirt and what looked like a pair of polka-dot side-tie panties.

"I appreciate you taking me out earlier, even though things didn't turn out so well." she continued.

"H-hey Perri- how's your bedroom? Is it comfy, at least?" I ask nervously as she turns to leave.

"I think I'll be more comfortable once I get a few night's worth of sleep in there. I'm sure it's much more pleasant than the barn." she said dryly. I couldn't tell if that last part was sarcasm on her part.

"Good night!" I call out to her as I catch a glimpse of those cotton panties stretched across her ample backside as she saunters down the hallway.

Before I went to bed, I re-read some of Perri's files. They were pretty specific about her species' background and general data but- as I suspected- it lacked a lot of individual information about her specifically.

Then I remembered the card in my wallet.

It didn't just have Smith's number, but was a business card sized directory of MON members and their contact information. Smith may not necessarily be the best person to go to for what I have to ask.

Zombina's name made the cut as well. I don't think I could go to Patch Adams with my questions, either.

I've never heard of Doppel or Manako, either.

That just left the tall, beautiful ogress- Tio. Looking at her card, I see her full name is Tionishia- lovely name, but quite a mouthful. I perk up considerably when I see that the contact information included Tio's Skype handle.

Here goes nothing I say to myself as I open up my laptop.

It's a little optimistic of me to expect her to answer, I suppose. But nothing ventured, nothing gained.

For a few moments I got nothing but the logo on the screen and ringtone. I was about ready to shut down my laptop and start mentally composing my questions to send Tio via text or email when the screen flickered to life.

"Hello?" a slightly bewildered voice called out.

Tio's angelic face suddenly appeared on the screen.

"Oh, hey there Tio!" I call out, doing little to conceal my enthusiasm at seeing her again. I hope I wasn't loud enough to wake Perri.

Her face lit up the monitor with a little smile.

"Well Howdy, Billy the Kid." she giggled as she tipped an imaginary hat.

With all the people and extraspecies individuals she no doubt encounters daily in her line of work, I'm actually a little flattered that not only does she recognize me, but has already given me a nickname.

"I hope I'm not catching you at a bad time."

"Not at all- just signing and initialing some reports for MON- is everything all right?" She pulls back from the monitor a little and I can see that she's outdoors. Looks like somewhere warm enough to have palm trees.

"Yeah- it's just that...…" I begin to trail off. Damn it, this is no time to start acting like a love-struck 8th grader with a crush on his teacher. His gorgeous, 7 and a half foot tall teacher with a black horn growing out of her forehead.

Easy, boy.

"It's just that I had some follow-up questions about Perri that I never had a chance to ask you and Smith in person." I say.

"Ah- I take it you want to know more about some of her run-ins with the Japanese police?"

"Y-yeah." Not a good sign that she's using the plural of 'run-ins'

"You have to understand that in Japan, properties tend to be very small. Most of those cases were the individual officer overzealously enforcing the day pass issue when she left her host family's property."

She scooched back from the monitor and... ** _HOLY CRAP_** , she's talking to me while she's naked!

I hear a nervous little squeak that I'm pretty sure I let out. This little glimpse of heaven is more than I could've ever bargained for. I'd like to thank God, whoever invented Skype and-

Wait a sec.

She's not quite naked. I can see her from the waist up- she's wearing a bikini with thin little spaghetti straps that are nearly the same color as her orange-ish tan skintone. It certainly is a very tiny and revealing bikini top- as much as I appreciate the view, I feel a little twinge of sympathy for Tio. It must be pretty difficult finding clothes in her size.

"Most of those?" I hear myself ask as I struggle to contain my euphoria.

"But...there was an incident with her last homestay." Tio continued. "It seems they had two high school age daughters."

"Did they get along?"

"Oh yes- their parents said they looked up to Perri like a cool big sister. But one night...…"

Tio composed herself, placing a hand on her chest. Taking a quick glimpse around, it looked like she was by a swimming pool and there really was a weighted down stack of papers on a little table next to the lounge she was reclining in.

"One night, when they were doing their laundry, a panty thief struck."

I can't help but guffaw.

"Oh my God!" I chortle. "That is the most Japanese thing _**ever**_...did he stock vending machines with them or something?"

"Perri chased him down and caught him." Tio said, nowhere near as amused as I was by this anecdote. "Clawed his face pretty good before the police showed up. It turned out the boy was a classmate of the host family's daughters and lived in the neighborhood. Perri was fortunate she wasn't deported that same night."

"I see." I replied, not quite as willing to yuk it up over the apparent Japanese affinity for used panties now.

"It took a lot of negotiating by Smith to persuade the police not to press charges. But after that night, we decided Perri would benefit from a change of scenery." Tio continued, sounding a bit more forlorn. "Is she doing all right, Billy-kun?"

"Well, she seems really fond of flying around and grabbing my hat." I chuckle.

Tio smiled wanly, but knew I had more to say.

"We went into town tonight to get a malt."

"Oooh…..like a milkshake?" the beautiful ogress asked as her eyes lit up. Upon seeing the joy in her eyes, I really wished I could've taken her out for one, too.

"Sort of- anyway, these two girls came in and started this real passive-aggressive shit with the two of us, calling her nasty and saying she probably shits on cars."

"Oh dear." Tio sighed. "What did Perri do?"

"Nothing."

"Oh?" the ogress seemed intrigued.

"Yeah...I um...got kinda worked up after one of them called me 'birdfucker' and I decided to remind these girls they were no prizes themselves. One of them threw some condiments at me, but then this old man started barking at us and suddenly we weren't that interested in fighting anymore."

Oh shit- I might've said too much right there.

"Hey...hey- Perri's not gonna get in trouble, is she?"

Tio gently smiled- it was so warm and disarming.

"I don't see why- you said she didn't do anything, right?"

"O...of course."

"Billy-kun…" she said sweetly. Even though that wasn't really my name, I could've melted right there. "I'm sure it feels a bit awkward right now, but being a host is meant to be an enriching and fulfilling experience. Just show a little patience and leeway with your homestay and I'm sure you'll see that for yourself soon enough."

The reality wasn't quite as straightforward as Tio's words of encouragement, yet I felt much more optimistic after hearing that.

"I guess you're right."

"Now..." Tio continued as she leaned in closer to the monitor on her end, giving me an amazing view of her gigantic breasts complete with an itty bitty tan line as they struggled mightily to liberate themselves from the orange floral print bikini top. "I think it would be wonderful if you and Perri hit it off- so is there anything else I can help you with?"

Don't say _'Marry me'_.

Don't say _'Marry me'_.

Don't say _'Marry me'_.

Before I could speak up, I heard a high pitched voice call out Tio's name off screen.

" _Tio-san? Are you still talking to your boyfriend?_ "

The tall ogress' face scrunched up into an incredibly cute pout.

"Polt-san...that's not very nice to tease me like that. You know I don't have a boyfriend." she almost whined to the voice off screen.

" _You could if you really tried_." the voice was interrupted by a soft splashing noise. " _Now c'mon- you said you were gonna join me for a few laps_."

"Well, Billy the Kid..." she began, stifling a giggle. "I suppose I should get going. But please- call me back sometime. I'd like to know how you and Perri are getting along."

"Right- will do. Thanks, Tio." I hear myself say absently before I catch a glimpse of the gorgeous giantess getting up and stretching- her side-tie bikini bottom also nearly the same color as her soft and supple flesh and revealing so much of that virtually flawless body.

Wait...wait...as much as it pains me to say it, now is not the time to be perving over the bikini clad ogress. The heavenly image has since been replaced by a MON logo in the span of a few seconds anyway.

Today was pretty bad, to be sure...but it could've been much worse.

Instead of just cashing checks from the Exchange Program, I need to take Tio's words to heart and at least try and make Perri's stay a pleasant one.

Tomorrow's a new day.

Better not fuck it up.


	4. Chapter 3- Las Doncellas de Xochiquetzal

A couple of days had gone by since everything that went down at the pharmacy.

Perri had unpacked and seemed to be getting acclimated to her surroundings, although I cautioned her about venturing too far without her pass.

Work was work- Thursday was slaving away over some hot tar to seal some cracks on Route 46. Temperatures that day reached 103, but with the breeze, it only felt like a balmy 96 degrees.

Friday was pretty straightforward. Some speed demon sideswiped the guardrail by Red Arroyo Road a few days prior, so we had to replace the stretch where paint was traded and called it a day from there.

The funny thing was that I STILL hadn't cashed my check from the Exchange Program after all that time. Besides my meager paycheck, I stopped by the First National Bank of Llano County to deposit the check Smith handed off to me along with all the various instructions concerning Perri. Since it was a Friday, it was no surprise that the bank lobby was pretty crowded. I dutifully waited in line until it was my turn, scrolling through my phone to see if there were any messages from Smith or the others.

Nothing.

The next thing I know is that I hear a familiar voice call out " _Next in line, please!_ ". I couldn't peg it right away, but I found myself involuntarily cringing at the sound of it.

As soon as I put my phone away and looked up, I could see why.

The teller was the chubby one from the gruesome twosome at Culberson's the other day.

She was talking to a colleague in the next window when she turned and recognized me.

Honestly, I was at a loss for words. I'm pretty sure I was going to laugh, but before I could do even that, the little door in front of her window slammed shut and she hung out a sign that said ' _NEXT WINDOW PLEASE_ '.

At least she didn't call me 'birdfucker' in front of the whole bank.

* * *

As it turned out, there was no way for the Exchange Program to legally purchase the debts I incurred fixing up the ranch. However, they still had leverage in that they could decrease my stipend for taking care of Perri if I wasn't making payments to the bank on time.

So between the two checks, I was able to take a bite out of my loan payment with enough left over for gas, groceries and some drinks at the Spur. And sure enough, not long after I was in the bank my next stop was a few blocks down the street to the Copper Spur. I even planned ahead and bought a change of clothes with me, since my work gear smelled like hot tar.

When I got back into my truck, I slid the key into the ignition and hurriedly began changing. However, instead of starting up the truck right away I find myself listening to the radio.

" _This is your KZPI top of the hour news update. Our leading story...some tense moments on Capitol Hill this afternoon as the Hart Senate Building had been evacuated after an envelope containing a suspicious white powder and a threatening letter was discovered in a senator's office. Hazmat teams inspected the contents of the envelope and searched the Senate building for any additional parcels before giving the all clear_."

I was about ready to switch the station when the news report continued.

" _The parcel was discovered by staffers in Sen McMasterson's office who quickly notified Capitol police. The two term Senator from New Hampshire was considered a key swing vote in the passage of the Interspecies Exchange Act earlier this year. Although authorities haven't disclosed the contents of the letter, sources indicate the party that sent the letter and powder was most likely motivated by the Senator's vote..._."

" _What's striking about this is that mail addressed to the senate offices is typically processed off site_." A man who sounded like he was being interviewed by phone explained. " _This means this was either missed at the Senate mail processing facility or- more likely- it was hand delivered to the Senate office buildings_."

That doesn't sound good.

Some belated due diligence before Smith showed up with Perri showed that some Exchange Program field offices being vandalized or getting death threats. Was what happened in the Senate today an escalation?

Or maybe I'm overthinking things. The perpetrator could just as easily be some crusading SJW or militia nutjob- all too human and with an axe to grind and willing to risk federal jail time over his or her mail-order antics.

No time to worry about that, though. Might as well put in a somewhat overdue appearance at the Spur.

The sun was beginning to sink low on the horizon when I stepped through the doors of the Copper Spur. Sure enough, Clyde and Cyrus are in their normal places at the bar.

"...…..so the Korean businessman turns and asks 'What do you mean 'wrong hole'?" Clyde guffawed at the punchline.

"Well now- look who's here!" Cyrus said as he lifted a mug of beer in my general direction.

"Hey stranger!" Clyde bellowed as he heartily smacked me on the back. "We were starting to wonder if we should put your picture on the side of some milk cartons."

"If you do, be sure to get my good side." I reply as I shake both of their hands.

"That might be a little hard to do since your 'good side' has been spotted frequently than Bigfoot." Cyrus said dryly before taking another pull from his mug.

"Hey- speaking of fantastic critters, how's your houseguest?" Clyde asked. "She didn't look like a happy camper the last time we saw her."

"Eh- I got the silent treatment, mostly." I shrug.

"What have you two been up to, anyway?" Cyrus queries.

"Just showing her around town and getting some follow up questions answered, mostly..."

"How's she liking it so far?"

"Seems to be adjusting all right. One of the girls from the Exchange Program I talked with is pretty sure the wide open spaces will do her some good compared to her last home."

"Which was...?" Clyde asks.

"Japan." I chuckle. "Just the other day we were in Culberson's-"

"Going out for malts already? What did I tell ya, Cyrus...?" Clyde interrupts.

Cyrus replies with a somewhat indifferent shrug, prompting me to continue.

"So she wanted to know if they had green tea ice cream- she said it was really popular in Japan when she was there."

"Green tea?" Clyde scrunches up his face. "Sounds odd, but it might be worth a shot."

I nod.

"I think you can order some of that online if you can't get it at Culberson's." Cyrus volunteers.

"Hey...hey!" Clyde asks as though he just thought of something. "Can she speak any Japanese?"

"Clyde- the woman barely speaks to me in English...how am I supposed to know if she speaks any Japanese?"

"So let me get this straight- the woman that's now living under your roof hardly even talks to you now?" Cyrus asks with traces of a grin.

"Yeah- pretty much."

"You know, there's a saying that describes guys in your situation." he continues, with no sign of the grin fading.

"What's that?"

"Lucky bastard."

Clyde and myself burst out laughing while Cyrus is still grinning. As the only married man between the three of us, Clyde and I would sometimes defer to him when it came to women- even though his former rodeo star wife was what many of us would consider a 'catch'.

"Is your homestay going to be joining us tonight?" Clyde asks.

Damn- good question. It had been a few days since I promised her we'd go out for some Mexican. The thing is, if I left right now and went straight home to pick up Perri, then immediately turned around, we probably wouldn't make it to La Olla Cobre before closing time.

This is part and parcel of living in a town where everyone closes up shop at 9:00 at night- even on a Friday.

But if I could get Perri to come to me...

A thought occurs to me as I pull out my phone. I still had a landline at home, so this could work if Perri was around.

One ring.

Two rings.

Three rings and a robotic voice directing me to leave my message after the 'beep'.

" _Y-y-yeah...hey! Hey Perri_!" I start off slurring, even though I had yet to order a drink. " _Play... P-P-Payday today- whoo! I...I'm down at the... the Sp-spore? No no...the SPUR right now! I've only had a c-cup...cup cup...couple of beersh….and it's the d-damnedest thing...I c-can't find my truck keys. I was wondering if you could be a pal...aaaaaand come on out here w..with the spare key by the front door_."

Cyrus and Clyde know I have yet to drink as well, leaving them equally confused at my drunk-dialing play-acting.

" _O-OK! Talk to you shooon…..toodles_!" I was about ready to hang up when an additional though occurred to me.

"Don't forget your day pass!" I said in my normal voice to finish the phone call.

"I didn't know we had an improv night here." Cyrus said.

"Yeah- what was that all about?" Clyde asks me.

"If Perri hears that and thinks I spent all the money I'm supposed to get from taking care of her on booze, she'll be here in a heartbeat." I explain. "The sooner she gets here, the better our chances at grabbing a bite to eat at the Olla before it closes- like I promised her."

"I dunno, man" Clyde said apprehensively. "Seems like you're playing with fire."

"Hey now...I just figure I should do something nice for my homestay, even if it requires a little trickery."

"I hear ya, but I don't know if those are the right buttons to be pushing, Bryce." Cyrus spoke up.

"Well look who decided to join us!" Dolores said upon seeing me back at my usual spot in the bar.

"Good to be back...I even had an acceptance speech written and everything." I said to the bartender.

"Seven and seven?" she asks.

"Sweet Jesus, Yes- that would hit the spot."

In no time Dolores was back with my drink while I simply sat back and listened to Cyrus telling me, Clyde and Dolores about the ranch his drones were used to inspect this week.

Before I knew it, I spied a familiar-looking shock of white hair passing through the Spur's front doors and in the blink of an eye, I was face to face with a rather dour looking falcon harpy.

Tonight, she was wearing a pair of denim cutoffs and a button up denim shirt. While it covered up most of her upper body, it seemed to hug every curve along her waist, breasts and taut little belly.

"You're getting predictable, Mr Host." Perri said churlishly.

"Perri! I'm glad you're here!" I begin.

"How much of the Exchange Program's funds did you drink away tonight?" she asks.

"None- I just wanted to-"

"I don't believe you."

I was about ready to speak up again when I considered her words. She wasn't just expressing exasperation with me when she said that- Perri literally didn't believe me.

"He actually didn't spend any money..." Clyde offered meekly, unsure how much weight his word had with Perri.

She looked incredulously at me, then at Clyde and Cyrus and then back at me.

"So even though you received funds from the Exchange Program, you still had your friends buy your drinks for you? Unbelievable..."

"That's not-" I began to say.

Only now, Perri's face was mere inches from my own.

"Exhale." she ordered.

She looks beyond pissed. Better do what the lady says.

I breathe out and the harpy scrunches her face.

"Just as I thought- your breath reeks of alcohol."

That's because I'm working on my first cocktail of the evening. I'm not even three quarters of my way through- damn it...what's three quarters of a Seven and Seven? I was never any good with fractions.

"We're leaving." Perri announces brusquely.

What? Wait- no...I just got here!

"Thank you for making sure Mr Host didn't attempt to do something foolish like try and drive home in his current intoxicated state." Perri said quietly as she nodded to Clyde and Cyrus.

Hang on- I am supposed to take her out to dinner, though. I'll just have to try and convince her I'm sober on our way to La Olla Cobre.

As I start going through my wallet, I realize I don't have anything smaller than a $20 bill. Now- Dolores makes a pretty good Seven and Seven, but not $20 worth of good. If I'm going to take Perri out for dinner, we gotta get going now. I can only hope one of the guys will pick up part of my tab at a future date- if Perri ever allows me to set foot back in the Spur again.

"Guys- it's been a blast, we should do this again sometime. But I gotta get going..." I say as I hand Clyde off a $20 and start to usher Perri towards the door.

"Mr. Host- you're in no shape to drive." Perri protested.

"Perri, I'm fine-" I begin to say, although I wouldn't be the first person who had been drinking to deny that they were intoxicated. More to the point, my avian homestay doesn't seem willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. "I didn't have that much to drink tonight. I called you because-"

My words die in my throat as I feel the toe of my boot catch onto something and I begin to lose my balance.

God damn it- how many times have I walked over the front step of the Spur's front door without incident? Including more than once when I was literally falling down drunk. And only now- when I'm trying to convince my homestay that I'm actually sober- do I manage to trip and stumble down?

Only instead of face-planting on the walkway in front of the Spur, I feel something soft and downy enveloping me.

Feathers. I'm surrounded by white feathers.

Perri is now holding me up with her wings.

Oh Lord- I don't want to admit it, but it feels so strangely wonderful being held in the falcon harpy's wings like this.

"You can hardly stand upright, can you?" Perri asked. Perhaps it was just my imagination, but she sounded more like a disappointed sibling while admonishing me.

"No no...I'm good, I swear!" I insist, even though I know how panicky and unconvincing it must sound to her.

"Shhh….."

"Perri, about that phone call earlier, I was just trying to-"

"Honestly." she chides me. "I've seen hatchlings with better self control than you, Mr. Host."

I pause, suddenly losing my train of thought.

"I..I'm sorry, did you just say ' _Hatch Chilis_ '?" I ask her distractedly.

"Hm? No- I said Hatch- **LING**..." Perri said, her exasperation increasingly evident.

"Oh...hey- speaking of chilis, how about we go to La Olla Cobre?"

"Absolutely not, Mr. Host. You're in no condition to drive." she said adamantly.

"It's OK- we're within walking distance. C'mon!"

The next thing I know, I'm gently tugging at Perri's wing with both hands. I can't quite bring myself to admit I like how her feathers feel against my hands, but I do.

The lovely, stoic harpy seems reluctant- yet she doesn't break free from my relatively gentle grip, even though she could easily do so.

She still thinks I'm drunk- although I'm the one who sold her on the premise to begin with and my stumbling and the rather meandering conversation since we walked out of the Spur hasn't done much to dissuade her.

"C'mon, Perri." I coaxed. "I said I'd take you there and it's only a couple of blocks."

It's a slight exaggeration, but it's safe to say that La Olla Cobre is still within easy walking distance.

"You don't have to-"

"It'll be my treat- I insist!"

The falcon girl didn't say anything right away but the two of us could suddenly hear a loud, rumble coming from her stomach.

"Jeez, Perri….did you skip lunch today?"

"It seems that...….yes, I may have missed my regular early afternoon meal." the bird girl concedes.

"All the more reason to grab a bite to eat while we're both in town."

Seriously- I think all there was back at the ranch was a couple of cans of soup hovering around the expiration date.

She begins to shuffle my way while quietly mumbling something.

"What was that...?" I ask. I'm no longer holding onto her wings, but instead I cup my ear towards her in an exaggerated manner.

"I..." she began before inhaling. "Mr. Host- as I'm sure you're aware of, harpies are an exclusively female species."

"That's right."

According to some of the materiel the exchange program I went over, harpies were simply one race among the recently emerged demihumans that were monogendered. Lamia, Alarune, Arachne...all female.

"S-sometimes I wondered what it was like if I ever had a brother." Perri began quietly, although I was able to hear her. "And I think thanks to you, I get to find out."

Wow.

I was not expecting that from her.

All this time we had to get acquainted and so far we mostly kept to ourselves- I still knew next to nothing about her background, her blood relatives or even her past host family.

"But...if your conduct tonight is any example, then perhaps having a brother is more trouble than it's worth."

Ouch.

What the hell, bird girl?

Although she has a point- it's not like I've been an ideal host tonight.

While I'm trying to soothe over my bruised ego, I take in our surroundings. Something doesn't seem quite right as I quickly scan the street behind us.

All seems quiet- nearly all the storefronts are shut down for the evening and most of the parked vehicles seem to be clustered back around the Spur. Not unusual- even for a Friday night. However, there's one sedan...it looks like a cop car, but a little too old. It's parked on the opposite end of the street with its lights off.

And the odds of it being a cop car are pretty low. Out here, the sheriff's, Tribal police and Highway Patrol all use pickups or SUV's- not sedans- because of the high likelihood of responding to a call out in remote terrain, which means taking plenty of rough, unimproved roads and trails.

I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach- it could be the gruesome twosome and some of their friends out to finish what they started the other day.

I freeze in my tracks.

Damn it- like anyone living out in the countryside, I keep a gun in my truck. A nickel Springfield 1911 .45 semiauto. If Butchie and Chubbs from that little altercation at the pharmacy earlier actually had men in their lives and decided to sicc them on me and Perri tonight, I'm up shit creek without a paddle- unless I have some sort of equalizer.

And I don't want to throw Perri into any kind of a fight, even though I'm sure she can hold her own.

I could always calmly try and make my way back to the truck. The thing is, since she thinks I'm drunk, there's no way Perri will let me drive. How is she going to react if she sees a supposedly drunken me brandishing a loaded .45 in the middle of town?

Shit.

I'm not imagining things, either. This sedan is pretty much hanging back and following us from a distance at a walking speed. Combined with what I heard about what took place at the Senate building earlier and my brief encounter with Chubs at the bank, I'm more on edge than usual.

However, there's no point in panicking since the two of us are getting closer to La Olla Cobre. If we're dealing with some nefarious characters tailing the two of us, odds are they won't try something while there's still witnesses around.

A voice brings my attention back to the harpy I'm taking a leisurely stroll with.

"Is everything all right, Mr. Host?"

"Hmm? Yeah...I'm fine."

"Are you always this distracted when you've been drinking?"

"I'm not drunk." I insist.

"That's twice now that I've had to get you from that infernal tavern with your breath reeking of alcohol." Perri points out.

"I swear- I haven't had enough to get drunk." I tell her, even though she has no reason to believe me.

"Prove it."

"' _Prove it_ ' **how** , exactly? Are you walking around with a breathalyzer test in your pocket?"

"You leave me with little choice, I suppose. There was something else I had in mind."

"Like what?"

Perri doesn't say anything, but she's standing a few feet away from me with her wings fully extended now.

With a single flap of her surfboard-sized wings, the falcon harpy is in the air a few feet above me. My first thought was that Perri had enough of my shit and was taking off for the ranch on her own.

If only it was that simple.

She's seemingly floating there for a moment, perfectly motionless and suspended in midair- a deceptively serene vignette.

Before I know it, I'm dodging a furious onslaught of sharp, twisting talons as she launches herself at me diagonally. Each of her legs seems to be moving like pistons in a high performance engine as her talons keep swiping at my head and Perri intermittently flaps her wings to maintain altitude.

Although the initial onslaught caught me off guard, I'm quickly able to discern that there's some sort of pattern to Perri's movement.

At least until she flaps her wings to give herself a little more altitude.

In my haste and near panic, I realize that she folded her arms so she could spin or pirouette more efficiently while launching herself at me from above.

She misses with her spinning, diagonal dive- but not by much.

I can't do much more than back away as Perri lands flawlessly in a crouch on the sidewalk before me, slowly rising and spreading her wings as she gets out of her crouch. If that little spin move of hers left her dizzy, she's certainly isn't showing it. The falcon harpy is still glowering at me, her expression virtually unchanged.

"Perri, what are you-?" I start to ask.

She's in the air again. In the blink of an eye, two flaps of her wings brings her up to the second story of the century old brick building that used to house Fort Quinn's only newspaper. I think it's one of those hippie new age shops that sells healing crystals or some shit- clearly I have more to worry about than the current occupant of this three-story brick building on Main Street as Perri's talons manage to find purchase vertically on the structure's exterior.

Before I can even call out to her, the raptor launches herself at me. I go against every instinct that's screaming out in my body and telling me to keep backing away. Instead dash forward to the spot on the sidewalk Perri was standing hardly even three seconds ago.

Something whistles past my ear- damn it, there goes my hat again!.

As I pivot, I can see that Perri's wasted no time in recovering and launching herself at me again- this time from the base of a street light a few feet behind me.

She's coming right at me and there's no time for me to duck, dodge or pivot.

Reflexively, I take a step backwards and brace for impact. Except my foot seems to have yet again found a sizeable crack in the sidewalk and I start to tumble backwards.

Instead of trying to break my fall, something tells me to just let gravity take it's course as I continue falling backwards.

It wasn't a soft landing, but it would serve my purposes well enough as I landed on my back with a thud.

Sure enough, Perri was there looming over me barely a nanosecond later. She looked as though she had no idea what I was doing as I brought both of my knees together while reaching up with both hands. In less than a second, Perri's facial expression has gone from smug triumph to complete bewilderment- astonished that I was able to grab onto both of her wings, my body rocking somewhat from her forward motion. For the first time since she instigated this fight, she looks like she no longer is in control of the situation.

Instead of letting her come down on top of me, I kicked out my legs as they made contact with Perri's knees. I was about ready to somersault from the bird girl's momentum, and as I was ready to roll over I roughly pushed Perri off of me with both feet as I let go of her wings, sending the inexplicably aggressive raptor harpy sprawling to the sidewalk behind me.

Oh shit! The sedan!

I spring back to my feet in time to see it driving away at a normal speed. It doesn't look like anybody got out- but I should try and get the make, model and license plate before-

Suddenly I feel something on my head and everything goes dark.

"Very well, then..." I can hear Perri say.

It's my Stetson, and to emphasise her apparent victory, she's pulled it down on the brim so that it's almost on the bridge of my nose.

"I'm convinced that you are in no way intoxicated, Mr. Host."

"What the hell was that all about!?" I pant, bringing up my hat so that I can see.

"The oldest daughter in prior host family taught capoeira- she gave me a few lessons."

"Capoeira?"

"It's a fighting style that originates from Brazil that incorporates common dance moves into-"

"I...I know what it is, Perri." I mumble. "I'm just wondering why..."

"In Japan, I couldn't fly as much as I would've preferred- but my host family sought other ways for me to remain physically active."

"But...you're...an apex predator! That's like teaching a 700 lb gorilla how to use a crossbow!"

"Are you calling me a gorilla?" she scowled at me.

"I could call you a lot worse than that."

"Why are you so upset, Mr. Host? I'm finally satisfied that you are in fact not drunk."

"Huh?"

"If you were impaired in any way, I almost certainly would've sliced your face open with my talons at some point." Perri said matter-of-factly. "Yet even though you received no warning you were able to sufficiently evade and deflect my attacks."

"So...what are you saying? That was like a sobriety test?"

"Of sorts." she said to me as we resumed walking.

Damn it, there was that smug grin of hers.

I wasn't fuming for very long before we were in the green glow of the neon cactus in front of La Olla Cobre and that mysterious sedan that only I seemed to notice hadn't reappeared. Sure enough, we made it before closing time.

* * *

Not surprisingly, Fort Quinn's only Mexican dining establishment is pretty informal. The interior was brightly lit with pale stucco, small two-person tables, abstract paintings of some small village in Mexico, dated Formica flooring and corrido music blaring through some speakers.

However, what La Olla Cobre lacked in updated décor and ambiance it more than made up for with hearty, savory authentic Mexican offerings.

"This is what I smelled the other night- I'm certain of it." Perri almost marveled as I held the door open for her.

"Now- have you even had Mexican before?" I ask as I follow her into the restaurant.

The raptor harpy shakes her head 'no'.

The dining area is empty save for the two of us and the only immediate signs of life is the blaring of horns and tuba from some corrido song playing on a pair of tinny speakers mounted in the corner by the doorway.

"Hello! Be with you in just a minute..." an accented voice calls out from the kitchen.

"What were you thinking of getting, Mr. Host?" Perri asks me as she looks at the menuboard above the counter. There are a few pictures to illustrate the portion size of some dishes, but there's more items than pictures on the menu.

"Well- I think I could demolish a burrito after today. You might want to get one of those, too...you got your choice of beef, chicken, pork, shrimp, breakfast or bean and cheese."

I know that she's a carnivore at heart, so I could probably rule out the vegetarian option.

"I'll try the beef one."

"And something to drink, maybe?"

"Do they have any alcohol?" she asks- the disapproval evident in her voice.

"Heh...yeah. They got some Mexican beers in the cooler back there." I began, although I always maintained that I could get more variety and bang for my buck at the Spur. "They also have soda pop, lemonade, ice tea and horchata."

"Whore-shot-uh?" she looked perplexed.

"Yeah...um...It's this kind of rice milk blended with cinnamon..." I feebly explain.

"I'll try that."

"Sorry to keep you waiting, what would you like this...….evening?" a younger, heavyset latino male with a hairnet and apron said as he emerged, clearly losing his train of thought once he saw Perri.

I nearly forgot that the only public places I've taken Perri so far is the Spur and Culberson's. I suppose that I should expect reactions ranging anywhere from mild curiosity to genuine shock and astonishment for each 'new' place I end up taking her.

"Let's see...can I get two burritos- beef and pollo asado, one cup of horchata and a large Dr. Pepper?"

"Will that be for here or to go?" he asked, regaining his composure.

"For here."

"All right- total's going to be $12.72- salsa and napkins are over there." he nodded to his left as I handed him a $20 bill.

"I'll have that ready for you in a little bit." he said, handing me my change and stealing another glance at Perri before heading back into the kitchen to work on our order.

As I'm pouring my drink from the fountain, I can hear the sizzling of meat and our cook/cashier talking to somebody else in Spanish.

"...un paraja grande."

"Cual tipo?"

"Bueno...un mujer con un par de alas grande!"

It sounded like as though was talking about a 'big bird' or 'woman with large wings' to somebody else in the kitchen.

Perri seemed to be warily handling the machine that dispensed horchata before the two of us made our way to one of the little tables up against the wall.

"How is it?" I ask, nodding at her cup of cinnamon flavored rice milk.

"Rich and sweet." she said before taking another sip with something in the neighborhood of approval on her face.

After a few moments, our cashier emerges from the kitchen with two plates and a burrito on each of them.

"Pollo asada." he said setting down a plate in front of me.

"And for you, the beef burrito..." he continued, turning to Perri.

I thanked him as he excused himself and headed back to the kitchen.

"What sort of device is this?" Perri asked as she held the burrito aloft- as though examining it for possible reverse engineering.

"It's not a device, it's a burrito. Your burrito, to be precise". I can't help but chuckle. Even though Perri appears to be fairly well-traveled, I'm finding her bewilderment at traditional Mexican fare like burritos a bit entertaining.

She sniffed it before looking back at me. "Bore eat oh?"

"Yeah- you just pick it up and dig in...like this." I lift up my pollo asada burrito and take a hearty bite out of the top corner.

"You don't require utensils to eat this?"

"Mm." I didn't have to embellish or play act that I was enjoying it- I had been ready for this all afternoon. Wiping a corner of my mouth with a napkin, I continued. "Not really. I mean some places you can order a burrito 'wet'- it will be covered in sauce...maybe some cheeses and your best bet is to use a fork and knife for those. But here-" I nod towards the little salsa bar up by the cash register "You can just get a little thing of salsa and dip it in there as much or as little as you want."

Perri cautiously holds up her burrito before following my lead.

After chewing a few times, her eyes widen and I can detect a faint smile on her lips.

"It's good..." she beamed as she took another bite.

"Isn't it?"

The harpy nodded enthusiastically as she glanced at the inside of the burrito.

Out of the blue, I realized something.

At home, I've seen her fumble with the silverware when she tries to eat. When we were at Culberson's, she couldn't get a good grip on the glass her malt was served in and that ended up taking a tumble.

But not once has she fumbled or dropped her burrit. The flour tortilla that was wrapped around the finely chopped beef in Perri's burrito was perfect for the falcon girl to sink her claws in. It wasn't by design on my part, but I may very well have stumbled upon the perfect human food for an apex predator like Perri.

Almost as if she had been reading my thoughts, the falcon harpy spoke up.

"So hearty and savory! This soft, edible casing makes holding onto it so much easier." she muses happily before taking an even bigger bite.

"Yeah- just the thing after a long day at work..."

She nodded in agreement. "Or familiarizing myself with your ranch's property lines by flying in a rudimentary grid pattern all afternoon."

"Yeah...That too."

Something seems different about her, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

"Is something wrong?" she asks me.

Oh shit...I'm staring right at her.

Right then I realized what it was that seemed so different about her. For the first time since Perri arrived at my home, she looked genuinely happy.

"Do I have something on my face, Mr Host?" Perri asks.

"Don't worry. I...it's gone." I reassure her.

This is a bit different from when she'd swoop down and take my Stetson before flying away with a smirk on her face. Sure- when we first met, there was no denying that she's gorgeous. Still- ever since our introduction, it seemed as though she could barely tolerate me. Smith and the others assured me the change of scenery would do her some good, yet she usually seemed moody or isolated. However with just that earnest little smile, she looked absolutely radiant.

"I gotta warn you, the closer you get to finishing up, the messier it will get."

Perri eyed her burrito- now more than halfway gone.

"That's a chance I'm willing to take, Mr. Host." she replied with a wry grin.

"You were warned- although I appreciate that can-do attitude of yours."

As we were getting close to finishing up, the cashier returned to our table accompanied by an older latino man with graying hair and a moustache. The younger one seemed apprehensive about something while the older man's attention seemed to be focused on Perri.

"If the two of you have a moment..." the younger man said to both of us.

"Is everything all right?" I ask.

Right away, I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. After what happened in Culbertson's the other day, I wouldn't be surprised if the two of us weren't welcome back anytime soon.

"My father has something he would like to say to the two of you." the younger man said, although the apprehension and skepticism were evident in his voice.

" _En mi puebla natal en Nayarit._..." he began.

It was pretty clear the son was acting as interpreter and would rather be elsewhere. Although neither father or son had any indication, I actually spoke and understood conversational Spanish. Having his son as translator wasn't necessary.

"My dad originally is from a village in Nayarit along Mexico's Pacific coast...and he wanted to let you know of a local legend."

" _Las Doncellas de Xochiquetzal_." the older Mexican said, with a hint of reverence.

"The handmaidens of Xochiquetzal…." his son said.

"Xochiquetzal- She was...an Aztec goddess of fertility and said to take the form of a woman with eagle's wings." the son explained after listening to his father. "Some say the handmaidens predate the Aztecs- but after the conquistadors and missionaries arrived from Spain, the legend was...modified by the locals so that she was an angel...one who would bless the village's harvest."

Oh shit- I'm not sure I need to hear this, but I know that Perri sure as hell doesn't. If I thought she was being difficult before, just wait until she got it into her head that she was the reincarnation of an Aztec goddess. She's no angel, that's for sure.

" _Cada otoño_ …." the older man began.

"Each fall, the village would celebrate their harvest and leave an offering of maize, sweets and homemade alcohol for the handmaidens of Xochiquetzal." his son translated.

Well shit- considering some of the earlier offerings the Aztecs left their deities, I suppose maize, sweets and homemade booze was pretty good in the grand scheme of things.

" _Tengo un pregunta_ ….." the older man continued.

"My father would like to know- do you happen to know of any harpy tribes that might be from the old country?"

Perri looked as though she was pondering her answer for a moment before speaking up.

"I'm afraid I don't know of any handmaidens and I've never been to Mexico." she said quietly, looking at me as well as the father and son standing before us.

" _Ella dijo que nunca viajado a Mexico y no sabe las doncellas_." the younger man almost reluctantly spoke up.

" _Ah...Bueno_. _Gracias para tu tiempo…_ " the older man nodded before excusing himself, although it wasn't lost on any of us that he looked more than a little disappointed as he left.

"Is there anything else I can get for you two?" the son asked as he stood by the front window and switched off the neon 'OPEN' sign.

A quick glance at my phone indicated that it was indeed closing time and that we should be on our way.

"Thanks for the great meal, as always." I said to him as I dug around my pocket and threw about a dollar's worth of coins into a worn-out paper cup next to the cash register that said _PROPINA_ on the side.

"Don't mention it- thanks for stopping by." he said as he began wiping down the counter with a dishrag. The boisterous cacophony of tubas, accordions and cymbals accompanied by Spanish lyrics that was playing on the speakers abruptly stopped.

Perri said nothing, but quietly nodded at the son as he was tidying up on her way out.

I held the door open for her as the two of us made our way out of the restaurant.

"I wish I could've given that man a different answer." Perri finally spoke up as the restaurant's exterior lights flickered off one by one behind us.

"But you told him the truth, right?" I ask her.

She nodded. "Still- he looked quite sad."

"Can't be helped..." I shrugged as the two of us started our long walk back to the truck. If I had to guess, the old timer probably saw something out of the ordinary back in the old country and was hoping Perri could tell him more.

It wasn't that farfetched. People who had claimed for years they had seen 'monsters' like Sasquatch, Ogopogo or Chupacabra were dismissed as cranks this whole time, but only recently vindicated as the Interspecies Exchange Program sprang up.

A previously undiscovered tribe of bird girls in the jungles of southern Mexico? Stranger things have happened already,

In no time at all, we were walking past where she had tried attacking me earlier to determine whether or not I was really sober. Strangely, it already seemed as though the whole thing had happened months ago by this point.

"Hey Perri?"

"Yes, Mr. Host?"

"If you don't mind my asking, where are you actually from? I mean, I know you spent some time in Japan..."

In the glow of the streetlight, I could see that her face was scrunched up a little. I can't tell if it's because she's uncomfortable with the topic or just lost in contemplation.

"My tribe is originally from a mountainous area that the humans in the region call the Carpathians." she says after a few moments.

"Eastern Europe?" I ask after a moment.

"Correct."

Wow- she really **is** well-travelled. I have to assume that her first language is probably Romanian, Ukrainian or Serbian- but there's no hint of an accent. Plus she's probably picked up on some Japanese while living there.

I'm so busy pondering this that I almost fail to notice we've already arrived back where I had parked my truck.

"Hey Perri?" I ask as I open up the passenger door for her. "Have you ever been mistaken for an angel?"

She slides into the cab next to me and doesn't even need to consider her answer.

"Not once."

There's the faintest traces of a smile on her lips as she tells me this. I chuckle as I start up the truck- that was as good an answer as any.

* * *

The ride home was uneventful- lacking any of the tension any of the previous trips were fraught with. Perri watched the scenery roll by as much as the headlights and her own night vision would allow her while I hummed and tapped the steering wheel in time to a couple of country tunes. Tonight's ride home seemed to breeze right by and before I knew it, we were pulling up in front of the house.

"Mr. Host?" Perri asked as the two of us got out of the truck.

"Yeah?"

"I enjoyed my dinner tonight. Can we go back again sometime? I wouldn't mind trying another type of burrito."

"Absolutely…" I chuckle as I look up at the half moon. "Maybe not tomorrow, but certainly in a couple of days."

"Are you going to bed, Mr. Host?"

"Ah- I forgot to check the mail on the way in." I just realized. "I'm just gonna get the mail, maybe have a nightcap and turn in from there."

"Very well- I'll probably be asleep by the time you get back."

Perri knew it would be a little while before I returned, since I would be walking and it was almost a half mile each way from the house to our mailbox. Still- I thought a walk under the stars might do me some good and give me some time alone with my thoughts.

The she-falcon headed inside and I checked the glove box. Sure enough, the .45 was still there. I quietly reached in and tucked it into the waistband behind me. I figured the odds of something happening were pretty low, but if it did, I didn't want to be a sitting duck either.

Well aware of the exchange program's 'no fraternization' rule, I couldn't shake the feeling that tonight's outing to La Olla Cobre felt a bit like a date, despite the acrimonious start.

I also considered finding a new favorite food for Perri a positive development after some early missteps on my part.

A thought occurs to me- Should I call Tio?

On the one hand, I don't want to seem like I'm pestering the beautiful ogress. However, discovering a new favorite food for Perri could definitely be considered some good news, and it doesn't seem right to consult Tio only when things are going badly or I have my doubts.

The mailbox was surprisingly full- most of it was taken up by a large envelope with a Hawaii return address that had my name on it.

It was rattling when I shook it.

It was from the exchange program.

There was a couple of bills and a bank statement accompanying the larger parcel, but the bigger envelope is what had my attention.

After briskly strolling back to the house, I set the other envelopes on the table and opened up the parcel that the exchange program sent me.

There was a letter and a sealed smaller envelope inside.

" _Dear Bryce-_  
 _The accompanying items are intended for Perri- please make sure to give them to her in the daytime hours prior to_ ….."

Blah blah blah…..boilerplate crap.

I shook the envelope again, only to hear more rattling.

Must be birdseed. But why does the exchange program want me to give an apex predator birdseed?

To hell with it- for better or worse, Perri's a burrito harpy now.

Without giving it much thought, I slide open the junk drawer in the kitchen and put the note and smaller envelope inside before shutting it.

I'll have to ask Tio about that some other time. As much as I wanted to talk to her again, it was going to have to wait. She and the rest of MON were in another timezone and calling right now wasn't the best of ideas.

Time for a nightcap and some shuteye.


	5. Chapter 4- Bird Dogging

Morning time.

Glory be, the weekend is finally here.

The sun was already out by the time I got out of bed. There's no sign of my extraspecies guest as I brush my teeth and take a quick shower.

Safe to assume she's out flying. It's weird how mundane having a beautiful houseguest capable of flight has become in the span of about a week.

Getting dressed, I head outside and scan the skies to see if I can find Perri out and about.

No sign of her.

I half seriously consider seeing if I can persuade her to put a GoPro on her the next time she takes to the skies just so I can see where she ends up flying.

'Ah well- brunch waits for no harpy.' I say to myself as I head into the kitchen and begin making an omelette along with some bacon.

In no time, the kitchen smells like bacon and the omelette I'm working on takes up the whole frying pan- Onions, mushroom and American cheese.

The problem with executing the perfect omelette flip is that you end up eating the evidence. Once I was satisfied both sides were adequately cooked, I turned down the burner and used a steak knife to slice the hefty mound of egg, cheese and veggies roughly in half. One part was for me while the other half- along with a few strips of bacon- went on a seperate plate that I set aside for Perri if she showed up.

Part of me is wondering if it's even alright to be serving Perri scrambled eggs. In the wild, many raptor species preyed on smaller birds. Does the same hold true for raptor harpies? If so, then I'm sure scrambled eggs wouldn't exactly traumatize her. If she objected, I'm sure she'd let me know.

I never considered myself culinarily gifted, but my homemade brunch seemed like a masterpiece that I should probably savor this-

" _All units, be advised. Subject is on top of the town water tower and is refusing requests to climb down._ " the scanner crackled to life.

" _Copy that, dispatch. Can you describe them?_ "

" _One woman. Early to mid 20's, female, platinum or whitish hair...she made it to the top of the tower, so she may not even hear us from that heigh_ t"

Hey...wait a second. It almost sounds like they're talking about-

" _Seems to be wearing some sort of bird costume or homemade wingsuit on top of civilian clothes_."

God damn it.

Not even three bites into my brunch and I have to bail to try and make sure my homestay doesn't get tossed in jail.

Grabbing my Stetson and truck key, I dash out the front door to head into town.

Unsurprisingly, a crowd had gathered at the base of the water tower by the time I showed up. The Sheriff's Department more or less had the area cordoned off and were attempting to negotiate with Perri through a bullhorn. I say 'attempting' because they weren't having any more luck with her than I'd typically have on any given night.

I suppose I could just melt into the crowd and watch from a distance, hoping that things will resolve themselves somehow. But if things went south- then what?

I can't help but overhear some of the murmuring as I'm making my way through the growing crowd. Seems like hardly anyone realizes the woman atop the tower is a harpy- just about everyone here thinks it's a possibly suicidal woman in a bird costume on the water tower. Wading through the crowd, I get close enough to hear one of the deputies tell the Sheriff that the State Police have notified a crisis negotiator and they were en-route.

"Did they give an ETA?"

"Not until at least twelve thirty."

"That's too much time. What about that cherry picker from EPE?"

His query was met with multiple shrugs from the gathered deputies.

"We're gonna have to improvise, I guess." he said in a tone that indicated he was clearly displeased with his deputies' answer. Picking up the bullhorn, he spoke to the figure on the water tower.

" _Miss? Would you care to tell us why you're up there?_ " he asked patiently through the bullhorn.

"I've been here since sunrise. I'm not doing anything wrong, am I?" the voice called out. It was definitely Perri's, dashing my hopes that it could be some other harpy who just happened to be in the area.

" _Not really, but I'd rather we discuss things on the ground...so how about you climb on down_?"

"Sheriff..." I call out as I approach the barricade. "I know her."

"Is that a fact? Can you tell us what the hell she's doing up there?"

"Her name is Perri and she likes high places."

"You don't say..." he deadpanned.

"She's not human and that's not a costume." I explain. "She's a harpy."

"Harpy? You're sayin' she's an extraspecies gal, like the ones from the news?"

I nod. "I'm her host."

On the one hand, he seems doubtful of what I just told him. But despite his initial skepticism, things start adding up.

"Well now….this changes things." he ponders.

"Hey-uh...I hate to be one of those people who tells you how to do your job, but is this even necessary?" I ask the sheriff.

"She's not hurting anyone now, but there's a couple hundred thousand dollars worth of telecommunication equipment up there. The town gets paid by the phone companies to put relay antennas up there. If something happens to those, the whole county could be without cell service for weeks."

"Holy shit- really? Who's your carrier?" I ask the lawman incredulously. "I thought we were already without service all these years. I mean...my carrier sucks ass so bad that I gotta keep the landline-"

"Just..." the sheriff sighed, not the least bit interested in my telecommunications woes. "Can you try and wrap things up here?"

"Umm...OK. I mean I can try."

The fact that I know Perri doesn't make it more likely that I can coax her down from the tower.

Also, what he's saying is about trespassing is technically true, but I can't help but wonder what would happen if a bunch of submachinegun wielding bandidos decided to knock over the Federal Savings Bank of Llano County a-la _Hell or High Water_ while he and his deputies are busy trying to talk down an ornery bird woman from a water tower?

Clearly overestimating my power of persuasion with the falcon-girl, the sheriff turns and hands me the bullhorn. My only response is to incredulously point at myself while silently mouthing 'Me?'

I got as far as " _Hey_ " before everyone's ears were treated to an acoustic assault of screeching feedback. Wrong damn button.

Well- here goes nothing.

" _Hey...Perri? You wanna come on down from there_?" I ask.

"Not right now."

Well, so much for the straightforward approach.

"I have my day pass if that's what you're worried about, Mr. Host." she adds.

" _I know- but you really aren't supposed to be up there_."

"I don't see anything saying I can't be here."

I grunt in frustration. If you have the local sheriff politely asking you to get off the tower, that's a pretty good indicator that you're not supposed to be up there.

" _C'mon Perri. Quit being so difficult and just get on down here._ "

"Why? So you can get drunk and make me sleep in the barn again?" she asks loud enough for everyone to hear.

That flying fucking bullshit artist. I can't see from down here, but I'm sure she has that infuriating smirk right now.

I grit my teeth.

" _That's_..." I begin to say through the megaphone. This wasn't a mistake or a misunderstanding on her part- she was straight-up lying about my treatment of her in front of pretty much the whole county. Instinctively I was going to say "That's not true" but then inspiration struck me.

Why not fight her bullshit with more bullshit?

" _That's because you keep dive-bombing my schnauzer! The poor thing is terrified of you now!_ "

Oh the look on her face. She's been getting used to goading and teasing me, but not being on the receiving end of such treatment. The surprise and indignation on Perri's face was visible even from my lowly position on the ground, and it was sweeter than any gooey, caramel covered confectionary. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to lap up all that sweetness.

Of course I didn't have a schnauzer for her to terrorize, but just like my supposedly making Perri sleep in the barn, the sheriff, his deputies and all the bystanders present didn't know any better.

Better still, Perri looks incredulous. She has no idea what to do now.

" _Little Fritzy is gonna need years of therapy now_!" I add, deciding to give my imaginary schnauzer a name.

Her mouth opens as though she is going to shout back something, but it quickly closes again.

" _C'mon- jump!_ " I shout at her.

Yeah- she looks pissed. Some in the crowd gasp. Maybe I shouldn't be goading her, but this is kind of fun.

" _Do it!_ "

She's glowering at me.

"C'mon! What are your scared of!? Let gravity do it's thing…."

"Should I use the beanbag rounds?" I overhear one of the deputies ask the sheriff, a pump-action Remington 870 shotgun at the ready.

" _No- don't_!" I inexplicably call out.

There didn't seem to be any reason to my objection other than not wanting to see Perri get hurt at all, despite some of the aggravation she's intent on causing me this morning.

Almost immediately the deputy lowered the shotgun as he turned to look at me. However, I was looking past him and up at Perri, who had stepped off of the water tower and was now silently making her way towards us. There were a few horrified gasps from the crowd that turned into an almost collective ' _Ooooh_ ' as Perri glided down towards us.

She looked pissed, and for a moment I was concerned that beanbags wouldn't be enough. Buckshot, deer slug, turkey loads, incendiaries...anything besides the love-tap a beanbag round was sure to deliver to a surly bird of prey Perri's size.

The closer she gets, the more pissed off she looks. My two options are basically to run like a little bitch in front of everyone or accept whatever the grouchy falcon girl has in store for me.

She looks like she's on a collision course with me and no beanbag round is going to save me, but at the last minute, she tips slightly upward as I feel something tugging at the top of my head as I flinch.

Fuck- looks like I'm short a Stetson once again. At this rate, I should be glad she went after just my headgear and not my scalp.

There was a smattering of applause as she rockets skyward with two flaps of her wings. Once she was satisfied she had enough altitude, she did another loop and began streaking towards the ground diagonally and at an alarming rate, only to pull up at the last possible second and send herself skyward again with two lightning quick flaps of her surfboard-sized wings. After levelling off and flying in a horizontal circle over the gathered spectators, she began a much more gradual descent as the smattering of applause in the crowd picked up. The only reason I wasn't applauding was because I didn't want to appear as though I was endorsing Perri's antics in front of the whole town. Before I could really reflect on her performance, the Sheriff's marked Explorer rocked a little bit as Perri alighted on the hood, looking down at the two of us.

"I'll have you know that's no way to address an Aztec goddess, Mr. Host." she harrumphed at me, seemingly oblivious to the presence of every sheriff's deputy or state trooper around for miles.

"Not this shit..." I mumble. "Perri- if you can name me the Aztec goddess you're supposed to be, I will eat my goddamned hat….speaking of which- give me back my hat."

"Miss- you mind stepping off my vehicle?" the Sheriff asked firmly, yet unfailingly politely.

To my surprise, Perri did exactly as he asked. She was now standing next to me and holding up a lanyard that contained one of her day passes as well as my Stetson.

"I didn't go out without my pass. See?" she said to the sheriff before turning to me. "And since they're good for 24 hours, I thought I would do some exploring in town today. I don't have to be back until this evening, right?"

Bewildered, the sheriff gave the pass a once-over before speaking up.

"Miss- I don't know how to tell you this, but I have no authority to enforce this."

"What?" Perri and I both ask- I'm just as surprised as she is.

"This seems to be some sort of written curfew order. The thing is, whether or not you break curfew and what happens to you for it is between you, your host and this exchange program. The only way I can get involved if you're in violation of any of our laws- like trespassing or loitering."

"I see. They were much more strict about this over in Japan." Perri said quietly.

This earned a chuckle from the sheriff, perhaps the first indication that Perri and I actually weren't in trouble with the law.

"You're not in Japan anymore, Miss."

This whole time, Perri had been holding out my hat for me to take back- but I was waiting for the other shoe to drop as I was surrounded by every lawman in the county after my homestay was making herself a very public nuisance.

On the one hand, the Sheriff's announcement was excellent news that meant we weren't in any immediate trouble. But on the other hand, that means I may have lost some leverage over Perri in future circumstances when she's being difficult.

Still- both of us were terrified of Smith, so I suppose I still had some leverage.

"In the meantime…" he continued. "You both sound like an old married couple. I would appreciate it if the two of you took you lover's spat somewhere less public."

"L-lovers!?" Perri stammered. "He's not….I mean…we're not…."

Although I'm initially just as taken aback as Perri, I use the opportunity to retrieve my Stetson from the falcon harpy's grip as she starts to blush and fidget.

"Oh….you know how it is, Sheriff." I say casually as I dust off my hat before putting it back on. "When you're young and in love, passions run high."

"Mr. Host, that's not-"

We are this close to walking away from this huge commotion that she's responsible for virtually unscathed and she's going to blow it with whatever she has to say next- I just know it.

"Hey Perri- I know it's early, but are you up for another burrito?" I interrupt

"I…..I would like that very much." she says uncharacteristically meekly.

"All right, you two...I'm gonna leave things be for now." the sheriff spoke up. "But let me just say whatever happens behind closed doors should stay there. No point in raisin' a fuss in front of the whole town whenever the two of you are havin' an argument."

Gently pulling on one of Perri's wing-claws, I couldn't thank him and be on our merry way fast enough.

* * *

I have my misgivings, but a promise is a promise.

For the second time in less than 24 hours, the two of us are back at La Olla Cobre taking in the sound of corrido music and aromas of sizzling meat wafting from the kitchen. This time around seemed to be a little different, since it was daylight and there were a few other people inside- a couple of to-go orders and an older man who looked like he was doing a crossword puzzle at one of the tables.

Shit- I hate to be rewarding her when she's being difficult like this, but the allure of burritos was enough for the two of us to extricate ourselves from that very public situation and dressing down by the Sheriff.

"Mr. Host….are you sure you should be filling up like that?" Perri asks me.

"Well, Perri- I made a nice brunch for the two of us before I heard about your antics on the police scanner." I grumble.

Truth be told even if it had been left out all morning, the omelette I had been working on should be salvageable provided I wrap it up in plastic wrap or foil and stick it in the fridge once I get home.

"That's not what I meant." there's traces of a grin on the normally stoic harpy's lips. "You should be saving room for your hat."

My hat? Ohhhh….that's right. I said I'd eat my hat if Perri could name the eagle-winged Aztec goddess that she's suddenly taken an interest in.

"Limited time offer." I scoff, although I defensively reach for my hat while fully expecting some mischief on Perri's part.

"If that's how you want to do things, Mr. Host." Perri sighed, although that troublesome little grin was still on her lips. "Don't expect to be getting your hat back so easily next time."

"Alright, alright….I'll humor you. For the grand prize of a million Venezuelan Bolivares, what's the name of the Aztec eagle goddess?" I ask in my best mock game show host voice.

I'm sure she doesn't pay any attention to the exchange rate, and I figure on the off chance she gets it right then I'll be out maybe $4…..tops.

"Tso….shii...kwet...skull."

Oh shit….if that wasn't it, I think that was awfully close.

"Wrong…" I bluff.

"No way. When one is descended from pagan warrior gods such as myself-"

I can't help but laugh.

"You're so full of shit, Perri."

"I'm right, aren't I?" she insists, although she's nowhere near as amused as I am.

"I mean...how can you even get off the ground to fly when you're that full of shit?"

"Mr. Host…." she pouted. Damn it- I'm supposed to be angry with her but it's not working thanks in large part to this cute little scowl on her face. "I wonder if you'd like to have your hat served to you wrapped in a burrito."

As I'm looking around, I can see the place is starting to fill up. However, I'm a bit surprised that for the most part Perri isn't the center of attention- seems as though they had their fill watching our antics earlier and just wanted some hearty Mexican food.

"Excuse me…." a young woman's voice calls out. She didn't mention me or Perri by name, but it was pretty clear she was addressing us as the two of us turned upon hearing her.

The young woman in question was a petite strawberry blonde. She was accompanied by two other young women- all three of them wearing cheerleading outfits from the local high school.

"I...if you don't mind…." the strawberry blonde continued. It sounded like she had been trying to work up the nerve to ask one of us something, but was quickly losing her nerve instead. "My friends and I just wanted to tell you we thought your feathers were really pretty."

She's not wrong, although that isn't the first thing I noticed about Perri and it probably wasn't the first thing these girls noticed about her either.

The other two- a taller blonde and a lighter-skinned latina- spoke up almost simultaneously, their questions overlapping.

"Would it be all right if I took a selfie?"

"Can we take a selfie?"

Perri looked a bit surprised at the girls' request, but quickly regained her composure.

"I don't see why not." she said quietly.

Not even half a second later, Perri was flanked by the trio of cheerleaders, their voices overlapping once more.

"Okay...one, two...three!"

"Smile!"

"Say _cheese_...or queso!"

This was quickly followed up by the staccato clicking of each girls' camera phone as one of them slid an arm around Perri's neck.

"Thank you!" the taller blonde gushed.

"What's your name?"

"I'm Perri." she murmured. The increasingly cool and confident raptor harpy clearly wasn't used to this kind of attention- at least indoors and when the people talking to her were close enough to make eye contact.

"I love that top….it's so cute and looks great on you." the latina cheerleader said to Perri.

"Oh...th-thank you." Perri said, flashing a disarming smile before nervously looking down at the floor.

"I'm Whitney." The taller blonde one introduced herself. "And this is Isabel and Amanda." The darker haired girl and strawberry blonde gave a little nod and wave at the mention of each of their names.

"Is it hard to find clothes that you like because of your wings?" the nervous strawberry blonde who first approached us asked Perri.

The falcon harpy nodded. "Most of the time I need to utilize straps or have the sleeves removed entirely-"

"These came out great!" Isabela interrupted as she appraised the selfie with Perri. "Do you have Facebook? We can send you one…"

"I….don't have a phone of my own." Perri said a little forlornly.

This came as something of a shock to the gathered trio, their questions overlapping.

"What?"

"How come?

"That sucks- why not?"

At first, I was wary this might be something of a repeat of our encounter with the gruesome twosome at the pharmacy. But the more I hear the girls talking to Perri, the more I realize it's pretty much the exact opposite. Still, I decide I had to join in the conversation if for no other reason to clarify things. "Those wings are great for flying, but not really good for gripping."

"Yeah- I guess that makes sense." Whitney conceded.

"Plus service out here kinda sucks." I add. "But if you want, you can send some of those pictures to my phone. For now, that's probably the best way to make sure Perri gets to see them..."

Only after I made the offer was I uncomfortably aware it sounded like I was flirting with the trio of high school girls.

I wasn't, I swear….and I think the only reason they entertained the offer from me was because they could see that I was accompanying Perri.

"You're the guy with the schnauzer, right?" the Isabela asks me warily.

"Y-yeah...that's me." I say hesitantly, wondering how far I should go with this particular lie. I suppose there's worse things in the world than being known as 'Schnauzer Guy', but they escape me at this point in time.

"Don't make Perri sleep in the barn…. _pleease_!" Amanda suddenly pleaded with me, clasping her hands together. "I'm sure she can get along great with your dog."

Perri seemed to be caught off guard by a total stranger lobbying on her behalf for a moment, but quickly regained her composure and decided to roll with it.

"Yes, Mr. Host- pretty please?" she pleaded quietly, but brimming over with an almost tangible smugness and overconfidence now that a sympathetic audience for her fictional tale of sleeping in the barn had shown themselves.

"Yeah...aren't you, like, her big brother or something?" Whitney asks pointedly.

"Now girls…" I say reassuringly to Perri's new fan-club. "I'm sure Perri and Fritzy can learn to get along and it won't have to come to that."

Damn it- there's that infuriating smirk of hers again. Her new fan-club seems oblivious.

"Besides- the owls do such a great job of keeping the pests and vermin away- I wouldn't want to displace them by moving Perri out to the barn." I add.

"Um….if your dog is still skittish, my uncle knows a canine therapist." Isabela offers. "Maybe he can help."

I was so grateful at the darker-haired cheerleader's offer that I almost forgot that I didn't actually have a dog that required therapy- or anything else.

"That's very kind of you." I reply. "I'll have to keep that in mind."

"Here…" Whitney said, handing me what looked like an old receipt. "Just give us your number, but make sure she gets these."

Without giving it much thought, I jot down my cellphone number and hand the slip of paper back to the taller blonde cheerleader.

"Number 26! Your order is ready- number 26!" the cashier bellowed, holding up several to-go bags worth of food.

"That's us." Isabela gently elbowed Whitney.

"We should get going." the taller blonde said to us. "Take care, Perri…'Big Brother'..." the last part she said teasingly.

"Bye Perri! It was nice meeting you…." Amanda said as she excused herself.

I chuckle as the girls file out the restaurant. There's no way all of that food is for just the three of them- they were probably picking up food for the rest of the squad for practice or whatever when they ran into us.

Before we get to the counter, my phone buzzes.

Text notification- one new message.

I don't recognize the number and there's no picture attached. However, the message does contain a link to somebody's Facebook page.

Sure enough, I click on the link and I'm treated to a rather striking picture of Perri and the strawberry blonde, Amanda. There were some feathers in the foreground, but you could hardly tell they were Perri's. Even though I knew where to look, it was still hard to discern where Perri's arms tapered off into wings.

Something else catches my attention.

The picture couldn't have been up for more than five minutes and already had 37 'Likes'.

And counting.

"Holy shit…." I marvel quietly.

"What is it, Mr. Host?"

"Don't look now, Perri...but you're a damn rockstar."

"Oh...I could never be as popular as my sister." the falcon girl said bashfully.

"You have a sister?"

"Half-sister."

"Where does she live?" I ask.

"The last I heard, she's still in Japan. She's staying with a Japanese family too….and she appeared in a few magazines with some other extraspecies models." she said matter-of-factly.

"What's her name?"

"Haru."

"Is she single?" I ask- perhaps a bit too optimistically.

"I heard that she's not really….into guys."

"She's….not, huh?" I trail off as what Perri just told me finally sinks in.

Shit- that's one rather unexpected way of not having to worry about the Exchange Program's rules against fraternization.

As we get to the counter to place our order, I spot the old timer from the other night toiling away in the kitchen. It's our turn to order and I keep things fairly simple with a chile relleno burrito for myself and a chorizo, egg and bacon breakfast burrito for Perri.

"I'm right- aren't I?" Perri asks suddenly.

"Hm?"

"About the eagle goddess. Tso-shii-kwets-skull?"

Oh, this shit again. Honestly, I was hoping that she might've forgotten about it after meeting those three girls.

"I guess there's one way to find out." I shrug. "Better start thinking of something you can do when you're proven wrong."

The raptor harpy doesn't look that dissuaded.

" _Oye, Patron_!" I call out to the old-timer working the grill in the kitchen.

He looks up briefly and acknowledges me and Perri with a quick wave.

" _Cual es la nombre de mujer aguila desde tu puebla natal?_ " I ask.

Miss Galvez- my high school teacher- would probably flunk me on the spot for the way that question was put together. I was trying to ask what the name of the eagle woman from his hometown was.

Flawed Spanish as it was, I got a prompt reply from him.

"Ah, si! Se llaman Xochiquetzal." He says without missing a beat before getting back to work. He pronounced it more like "So-She-Quits-Call".

Perri's smirk broadens.

"See?" she asked.

Fuck- I knew coming here was a bad idea.

"Perhaps some salsa to go with your hat?" she teases.

"Let's get our salsa and get going." I grumble, doing my best to ignore the falcon harpy's quiet needling of me.

As the two of us make our way out of the restaurant, we nearly run into an older man at the door.

"Here- let me get that for you." he says to Perri as he steps aside to hold the door open.

I recognize that gravelly voice. It's the old man from the pharmacy the other day.

Holy shit- seems like I've ran into everyone but Clyde and Cyrus this morning.

"Hey- that was quite a show you put on earlier. Been staying out of trouble?" he asks.

I presume that question was directed at me given the circumstances of our last meeting.

"Been keeping busy." I reply brusquely as I usher Perri away from the restaurant.

* * *

It was mercifully quiet when we got back home. I had left the scanner on and the chatter seemed to be nothing more than the occasional licence plate check, although if I didn't know any better, I'd say the dispatcher was trying to work in a few bird puns. Perri must've been famished, since she made quick work of her burrito before excusing herself. I got about halfway through mine before realizing I still had an omelette from earlier that I was only one or two bites into when I had to leave.

Thankfully, the omelette I had left out looked salvageable. I reach into the cupboard below the sink and pull out some aluminum foil- if push comes to shove, I guess we're having breakfast for dinner tonight.

Shit. I did tell the woman I'd eat my hat if she got the name of the Aztec eagle goddess right- and sure enough, she did. Or at least it was close enough according to the old-timer at La Olla Cobre.

But there's no way in hell I'm cutting up my Stetson into little pieces and eating it after an off-the-cuff remark..

A deal is a deal, but…..I'm going to need to get creative.

A thought hits me as I start wrapping up what's left of the breakfast omelette in foil. I was never really any good at arts and crafts, but this just may resolve the situation at hand as I start folding and strategically tucking the sheet of foil around the omelette.

"Perri!" I call out. "Can you come here for a moment?"

I hear the door to her bedroom creak open and the occasional 'tic tic' of her talons on the floor as she made her way to the kitchen.

"What is it, Mr. Host? Is something wr-" she froze when she saw me, or specifically my new tin foil hat.

"Now Perri-" I begin.

"What's going on? Why are you wearing that, Mr. Host?" she asks in equal parts amusement and bewilderment.

"Oh- this?" I ask nonchalantly. "I just thought I'd show you my newest hat. It's pretty fashionable, wouldn't you say?"

"You know, the exchange program warned us about humans who wear tinfoil hats." the falcon harpy mused. "They were quite specific, in fact."

"Well- a deal is a deal." I explain. "I told you that if you got the name of that Aztec goddess right, I'd eat my hat…...and you did."

"But you were wearing a different hat." she points out.

I shrug off that rather unimportant detail.

"You didn't say which one- besides, this is better."

"How so?"

I take off the tinfoil hat and start unwrapping it.

" _ **Ta-dah**_!" I announce with a flourish as I show her the content inside. "It's an omelette hat."

Perri's not looking at me anymore. Instead she's turned away and I can't readily gauge her facial expression. But I can see her shoulders quaking and-

Oh shit….maybe I was dead wrong about her being upset over the consumption of eggs.

"You're a fool, Mr. Host…." I can hear her murmur.

Damn it- instead of making things better, now I really stepped in it and upset her over-

She's now facing me, although both wings are covering her mouth. I can hear something that I had never heard before.

Perri giggling.

She looks surprisingly coquettish with both wing-hands over the lower part of her face and a I can hear light, breathy laughter.

It's a deceptively beautiful sound- something I thought I'd never hear ever since the morose raptor harpy showed up.

"Oh….I was merely joking about you eating your hat earlier…...but…...here you are…."

"I made you one too…" I said as I slid the burrito onto a plate and opened up the door to the microwave.

Her wings still concealing her face, I can hear Perri chortle now.

"Mr. Host- I….I..I'm afraid I don't share your sense of fashion. I'll have to take a pass." she said, regaining her composure somewhat.

"Not the hat, the omelette." I clarify.

"Oh….I just had a pretty big lunch, though."

"It's all right- I can reheat it when you're ready for dinner."

"Right…..that would make much more sense."

I turn around and press the buttons to set the timer on the microwave so I can reheat my omelette.

Perri's still in the kitchen, watching me.

"Mr. Host?" she asks, her face now visible.

"Hmm?"

"I...just wanted to say that it's not just any host who would slap an omelette on their head and call it a hat for the sake of their homestay. In…..in fact, I would hope it's very few."

"Me too." I say as my omelette begins to rotate in the microwave.

Perri looked as though she was ready to leave, but she spoke up as though she just remembered something urgent.

"Mr. Host- I have a favor to ask of you…" she said.

"What's that?"

"Well…..I'd rather you didn't wear my dinner as a hat." she said, that little grin still on the corner of her lips before excusing herself.

* * *

Several fairly uneventful days had passed since Perri's shenanigans at the water tower and my donning an omelette sombrero. The post and photographs of Perri posing for selfies along with the trio of McDonald High cheerleaders had tapered off at just under 300 'Likes' with about 40 mostly positive comments.

As the work week progressed, I weighed getting ahold of Tio by way of Skype again. Although I had some good news to share with her, I also wondered how I could best sugarcoat the whole thing at the water tower so as not to cause concern with the other members of MON.

Turns out that ship had already sailed.

When I got home from work on Wednesday afternoon, there was a black Suburban with tinted windows and out-of-state plates parked in front of the house.

It was Smith- accompanied by Tio and Bina once again. Perri was home when they showed up and apparently let them in.

"Fancy seeing you here." I call out to Smith as I toss my keys on the counter.

"Oh cowboy- I just HAD to come back for that marvelous coffee you brewed."

"Thanks- it's just a Keurig m-"

"I'm being sarcastic, Cowboy...I didn't fly all the way back here for some instant coffee."

I looked over at Bina, expecting to find her smirking. Instead, she appeared calm and stoic.

Somehow that was even worse.

This time around there was someone accompanying the trio of MON field agents that I hadn't seen before, although he looked familiar.

It was a man in a cheap suit with a somewhat weaselly countenance.

"Hi- I'm Saul Goodman. Did you know that you have rights?" the lanky man began.

Oh no. Not this shit...

"The Constitution says you do, and so do I." he continued. "I believe that until proven guilty, every man woman and child in this country is innocent. And that's why I fight for you, Albuquerque!" he finished off that last part nearly shouting as he pointed right at my chest.

I looked at Smith and then this Goodman character- just as I was getting ready to ask the Cultural Exchange coordinator if we were really going to be doing this shit, I noticed something on Saul's head.

A leaf.

Apparently 'Saul' had now noticed that I noticed and moved his hand up to remove it. Only once he touched the leaf, he seemed to disappear in a puff of smoke that quickly dissipated.

Standing where 'Saul' was a second ago was a slightly shorter brunette in glasses, a blouse and a pencil skirt. Only right away, I could see a pair of pointy ears atop her head and a fluffy tail with a ringed pattern jutting out from behind the pencil skirt. Her appearance was mostly human save for those prominent animalistic traits.

"Hee hee hee…..I love that guy." she giggled, a smug and self satisfied expression on her face.

"Yeah yeah...we get TV all the way up here too, Miss...….." I trailed off and glanced over at Smith. "Hey- care to tell me who the hell this raccoon girl is, Smith?"

Wow- just like that, the smug expression from this woman's face was gone.

" _ **Temae**_ …." she growled at me. "I...I'm not a raccoon! I'm a Tanuki- a very clever and resourceful youkai from the land of the rising sun."

I can see fangs as my irritated visitor barks at me.

"Tanuki?" I queried.

"Mm-hmm" she nodded, no doubt proud that she set the record straight with the gaijin before her.

"So that's like a Japanese word for Raccoon?"

"N-no, you dolt!" she sputtered before regaining her composure. "Raccoons aren't even indigenous to Japan. A Tanuki is actually a canine with a ringed tail and 'mask' across their eyes. I suppose to the untrained eye, that would cause some confusion but it's worth pointing out that raccoons are in the same family as skunks and weasels."

How very educational...but not as educational as knowing that being called a raccoon lady drives her berserk. I'm going to have to remember that if there's any future interactions with her.

"Or lawyers." I say dryly as I get a small bottle of coke from the fridge.

I could barely conceal a smug grin of my own as I saw the Tanuki lady grit her teeth. For her part, Smith seemed somewhat amused by the exchange.

"This is Akagane Tachibana- the Exchange Program's legal attache for the Southwest region." Smith explained. "In Japan, her kind have a reputation as highly intelligent tricksters."

The raccoon-dog's demeanor suddenly shifted as she adjusted her glasses.

"Mr. Andersen- do you know why we're here today?"

"Uh...no..."

"It's routine for us to conduct a welfare check on a homestay when they come into contact with local law enforcement."

Oh shit- I didn't think the whole thing at the water tower was enough for either Perri or me to get some sort of reprimand from the program.

"Congratulations Cowboy-Kun, you made the news in fifty five countries before my first cup of coffee!" Smith slams the mug onto table.

"Must be a slow news day..." I murmur, skeptical of my newfound fame.

"You also doubled my workload for the rest of the month. I hope you'll be happy to know that we filed all the forms necessary to begin installing video surveillance throughout your house, for your safety and the safety of your home-stay of course."

OK- that got my attention.

"What the hell!? Perri goes out for one little flight and you want to get all Stasi on us? I thought I was supposed to encourage her. When was she ever in danger? Have you forgotten that she can fly? I mean...it's right there on that video everyone is watching. And if that's not enough, I'm sure we can step outside and she'll give you a live demonstration." I unload on Smith.

She's having none of it.

"Overeager thrill seekers and fans can be just as dangerous to a homestay as the people who've been leaving anonymous death threats at our field offices. We'll have to keep you under close scrutiny to make sure no one tries to get up close and personal with the star of this latest viral video. This is publicity the Exchange Program doesn't need right now."

"Are you kidding? Perri was amazing! The crowd loved her."

"But people are talking...saying it's a publicity stunt that we arranged!" Smith shot back.

"I just went to the tower to blow off some steam, I didn't think it was such a big deal." Perri sullenly offers in her defense.

"That's not the point."

"The Sherriff just let us off with a warning, tho...Perri's learned her lesson. Don't tell me that you came all this way to basically reprimand me for letting a bird fly?"

"Harpy." Perri corrected.

"Sorry- Letting a Harpy fly."

"Completely irrelevant. People can still freak out seeing a cheap drone flying overhead- how do you think they'd react after being buzzed by a 5 foot 8 harpy?" Smith countered.

"Come on- You say you wanted to raise awareness about extraspecies- you couldn't buy the kind of publicity Perri's acrobatics in town gave you."

"Are you saying that we should spark off integration by using our Homestays in some barnstorming sideshow? That's not the point at all."

"Sideshow!?" Perri asked indignantly.

"You weren't there and the video didn't do it justice! It was a thing of beauty the way Perri just took the sky and made it her own. Every loop and roll was poetry in motion. Just...amazing."

Smith appears unmoved.

I look to Tio and Bina imploringly. "I don't get it...you told me to brush up on Falcon Harpies, and I did. She's passionate about flying and I think it's great that she now has enough open space to pursue that. Now you're saying we're both in trouble for doing what she loves?"

Smith calmed herself and adjusted her shades.

"Try to see it from our perspective. Some naïve little kid watches Perri dive off that tower and decides 'Hey! Why don't I be just like the flying girl in that video?'...then takes a header off the closest tall high rise apartment balcony or grain elevator. What are we supposed to do when his parents sue us?"

"The case would probably get thrown out for having no merit, right?"

"Not necessarily, I'm afraid." the smartly dressed Tanuki spoke up.

"Normally it would...but what if someone with the same mindset as these yahoos that have been leaving death threats or lobbing Molotov cocktails at our field offices ends up on the jury? Even if it got thrown out, that's still negative publicity for us..."

"Mr Anderson- I understand that neither you nor Perri meant to be disruptive, but both of you have to think through some of the unforeseen consequences these actions may have." Akagane added..

"I..." shit. I didn't have an easy answer for that.

"There's also the matter of edited versions of the video in circulation." she continued.

"Edited how?" I ask.

"There's some versions out there that cut out before Perri takes flight. Basically, millions of people think you goaded some emotionally distressed girl in a bird suit to kill herself by jumping off a water tower." Smith spoke up.

"What? No….that's fucked up…" I almost whisper.

"It's not like that….Mr. Host would never do anything like that." Perri spoke up.

The fact that Perri is sticking up for me in front of seemingly hostile MON agents and lawyers somewhat softens the blow that millions of strangers I had never met before may now be viewing me as a complete monster thanks to a few out-of-context seconds of video footage.

But only slightly.

"It's completely up to you, but we were thinking perhaps you could do a press conference to set things right." Tio suggested.

"We know you didn't do anything of the sort, but unfortunately we now have to fight the perception that you did." the canine eared lawyer spoke up, her tone reassuring. "I understand this isn't your fault, but that old saying about a lie traveling halfway across the world before the truth even gets out of bed applies here."

"Speaking of, Mr. Andersen…" Smith said as she lowered her shades. "What's this the sheriff said about a lover's quarrel?"

"Oh…. _THAT_?". It's completely involuntary but I chuckle at Smith's inquiry. "Sheriff was convinced the whole thing was a very public argument between two lovers…."

"And you continued to let him assume that because….?" the ring tailed lawyer girl asked.

"Seemed like he was willing to let us walk away with just a warning if he thought that was the case." I shrug.

"Mister Andersen…..is it alright if I call you Bryce?" the Tanuki asks.

I nod.

"I'm pretty sure everyone here already knows the answer- but I have to ask you, Bryce. Are you presently engaged in a physical relationship with your homestay, Miss Greene?"

I can feel everyone else's eyes on me at this point, including my feathered homestay.

"I can honestly say that I am not." I reply in the most businesslike tone I can muster.

This Akagane woman didn't say anything right away but looked as though she had forgotten something. After a moment, she began rifling through her purse before producing a little recorder.

" _Let it be entered into the record that when questioned directly on the subject, Host #72782 denied any physical relationship with his homestay- Ms. Perri Greene of the Raptor Harpy family. Subsequent follow up interview with Ms. Greene will be conducted by myself and MON field agents_." she spoke into the recorder.

"That won't be necessary- he's telling the truth." Perri tried to reassure Smith, the lawyer and the assembled MON agents.

"On the contrary- it is necessary." Smith said. Her tone was quiet, but insistent in a manner that nearly made my blood freeze. From across the room, I couldn't help but notice that drew a similar reaction from Perri.

"There's been a number of things that have happened since we were last here, Perri." Tio said reassuringly. "So naturally we want to know about more than just last weekend."

"This could take a while. Might as well get comfy." Zombina spoke up for the first time in what seemed like ages.

* * *

Even though they weren't going to tell me what they were up to, I knew exactly what they had in mind. They were questioning us separately in different parts of the house to see if Perri's answers to their questions would contradict mine.

"Jeez- What could be taking them so long?" I grumble quietly to nobody in particular. The longer they question Perri, the more I have my doubts about remaining a host.

The sun was getting pretty low on the horizon when I decided it was time for a cocktail.

"Oy...what a day this is shaping up to be." I sighed as I poured myself a shot of Jim Beam.

"Tell me about it, big boy." a sultry voice spoke up from behind me. "Care to make it a double?"

I turn around and standing before me is a raven haired 5 foot 5 inch tall, knockout in a revealing one piece leopard-print swimsuit that was torn in strategic places to make it looks as though the wearer had been 'roughing it' in the jungle. I didn't even have to ask- I knew her measurements were 36-23-35. I knew this because standing before me was none other than Bettie Page. My heart practically jumped into my throat at the sight before me until I realized that earlier I had a shyster TV lawyer from Albuquerque in my living room.

"It's a good likeness, counsellor...but please- show some respect for the departed."

"Oh? I had no idea..." she said sympathetically as I prepared my own glass of Jim Beam and coke.

"Yeah- it was a while ago. She died nearly broke and almost completely unaware of her resurgent popularity towards the end." I said as I handed the glass to her.

'Bettie' frowned. "Seems like a waste."

I simply nod as I poured a glass of whiskey and coke for myself.

"Tell me more about the notorious Bettie Page, you seem fascinated by her." 'Bettie' tells me after taking a sip.

Sensing my reluctance, she continues.

"Don't worry- this is all off the record. Same with our libations."

"That's the thing- I can't put my finger on it. When her popularity was at it's Zenith, many railways were still using steam locomotives, Studebaker was still making cars and TVs were still black and white. I can't even say nostalgia, since she was way before my time. And things went south- way south- for her after her popularity as a model peaked. Penniless, divorced, institutionalized..."

"Do you have some sort of tragedy fetish?"

"Oh shit- no. Who would even….I mean, is that even a thing? That's just messed up."

"Hmm….maybe I should slip into something a little more comfortable." the Tanuki half-seriously ponders.

Before I can say anything, she disappears in a puff of odorless white smoke to have the strawberry blonde cheerleader from the other day standing before me- William High School cheerleading uniform and all, belatedly honoring my request to show the late Bettie Page a bit of respect.

I guess the Exchange Program has already seen the selfies with Perri that the girls no doubt posted on social media.

"Now how about another drink….?" 'Amanda' says to me sweetly as the ice in her nearly-empty glass rattles.

"No way. You're underage." I point out.

" _Aawwww...c'mo-o-o-o-o-onnn_ " she pouts.

"Don't make me card you." I say sternly.

"I'm legal! I swear…." 'Amanda insists.

"Doesn't change the fact that I'd be serving hard liquor to a high school girl." I point out.

"C'mon- live a little." the cheerleader harrumphed as she moved closer to me, brushing 'Amanda's' large, perky breasts against me as she flashed me a sly wink. "Like I said….Smith doesn't have to know about this."

"Fine". I sigh as I get a second glass ready. "Misery loves company. Hope cheerleaders like it strong."

With 'Amanda' now sporting a pair of pointy canine ears and a bushy ringed tail, She gave me a nod. The faux-cheerleader's tail looked almost like it was wagging as I prepared another drink.

"Mr. Anderson- would you like my honest, unvarnished opinion?" she asks after savoring her first sip of a Jim Beam and Coke on the rocks.

"Something tells me you're going to give it to me whether I want it or not."

"When it comes to your homestay- You're outclassed and in over your head."

That was a pretty blunt- if accurate- assessment. I thought the Japanese were supposed to be polite to a fault.

"Each passing day, you feel overwhelmed and frustrated. Maybe not really sure what you got yourself into, Hmm?"

Damn it- it sounds an awful lot like she's taunting me.

"Buuuut…" she continued, lazily circling the rim of her glass with her finger.

"Yeah?"

"You've really been putting some effort into this- you're not just in this for a quick payday. You can't be a good host if you aren't even trying- and it looks like you've been trying, Buckaroo. Even if you don't always make the right decision, you've begun factoring your homestay's well being and comfort into those decisions."

The ice in her glass rattles as she takes another hearty swig from it.

"Who told you that?" I ask.

"A little birdie..." 'Amanda' tittered as she set her glass down.

I'm sure the surprise on my face is evident.

"No way- Perri said that?"

The cheerleader nods. "Granted she threw around the words 'boor' and 'idiot', but I think that was mostly for show. Raptor harpies in general tend to be quite proud…."

I chuckle nervously- odds are pretty good those words may not have been for show.

"There's also the way you cross-examined Smith when you still thought Perri was in trouble. As the only practicing lawyer in the room, I'd give that at least an eight out of ten."

"She's kind of scary….." I confess. "That whole _Truman Show_ thing she's threatening to do- is she serious?"

"I think she's trying to scare you. Don't worry- neither one of you are in trouble." Akagane reassures me. "We already talked to the sheriff and he's not interested in pursuing this any further. Neither is MON. Even if she's serious, it would be hard to justify the expense and manpower involved to the bean-counters".

I heave a small sigh of relief.

"Y'know, Bryce….." Akagane began. Another quick poof of smoke and I was looking at 'Bettie' again. "Smith and the others are going to be awhile. You up for a little fun?"

I'm sure I had a quick and witty reply at the ready, but it dies a silent death in my throat when it dawns on me that I'm being propositioned by a curvy, shape-shifting Japanese youkai.

The words _'Too good to be true'_ spring to mind right away.

"There's that old saying- 'Never meet your heroes', Miss Tachibana." I started out, realizing I'll be missing out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to fool around with a tipsy and incredibly convincing facsimile of the Bettie Page. "I'm intrigued, but I'm afraid my answer is 'no'..."

With some of her canine features now starting to show, the Bettie Page lookalike seemed bewildered.

"Sounds dumb, but to be honest, I always wondered what it would be like to be with a naughty office lady."

'Bettie'' suddenly vanished in a puff of smoke, and I was once again face to face with the tanuki woman in a pencil skirt, tight blouse and glasses.

"You know- a secretary...or even a lawyer. Retro pin-ups and high school girls are one thing….but there's something about a successful career woman who doesn't need a man in her life, but still wants one. So tell me, little trickster tanuki, enough with Bettie or the cheerleader- can you do a decent Akagame Tachibana?" I almost growl.

Fuck- I came off way too strong there. With the head of MON's legal team for the Southwest, no less. I'll be lucky if I get out of this with just some mandatory sensitivity courses.

There's an awkward silence as the tanuki looks at me appraisingly.

"You know..." she begins to say as she adjusts her glasses. "I have to be honest with you, Buckaroo. Being from Japan, subway gropers, otaku shut-ins and suicidal salarymen never really did anything for me. But here..." she pauses to fan herself. "Here you have roughnecks, lawmen, miners, cowboys, lumberjacks, smoke jumpers and ranchers. Not talkers- doers. Rough and ready."

It took me a moment to realize she seems to be talking about the Southwest specifically by mentioning miners, roughnecks, cowboys and lumberjacks..

"But that's the sort of man that drives a girl like me wild..." she continued.

"Miss Tachibna- I hate to tell you this, but I'm not a particularly good rancher." I confess. Shit- she's probably seen my bank records and could've figured that out on her own.

She gently shushed me by putting a finger on my lips.

"Maybe not, but you're _authentic_."

My heart is racing. I keep expecting this dog-eared woman to shapeshift into Wilford Brimley at the last possible second and have a good laugh at my expense, but nothing like is happening. Just her dainty, slender finger on my lips and my eyes locked with hers.

"Don't get me wrong- there's still men like that in Japan, but they're a vanishing breed, and they probably have misgivings about being with a youkai."

"Why? You're gorgeous…" I blurt out with her finger still pressed against my lips.

Oh my God...she's blushing. The shape-shifting trickster and supposedly MON's sharpest legal mind is blushing like a timid schoolgirl caught passing a note to her crush in class.

"Y-y...you really think…..?" she stammered.

'Gorgeous' might have been overselling it- but not by much, really. The bespectacled, reddish-brown haired raccoon hound lady is incredibly easy on the eyes and her snappy, form-fitting business attire doesn't hurt matters any. She checks a lot of boxes for anyone with the 'hot librarian' or 'sexy office lady' fetish, with a set of canine ears, a bushy, ringed tail and cute little fangs as a bonus. And I never said I wasn't interested.

Her soft finger is still there on my lips, so I do the only thing that comes to mind. Akagane lets out a soft little whimper as I give it a kiss.

"H-here….." she stammered before regaining some composure and almost reluctantly withdrawing her finger. "Let me show you how we properly serve drinks in Japan." she continued as she took my glass.

The burning amber Kentucky nectar flowed from the rectangular bottle and onto some ice before settling in the bottom of my glass.

"It's usually done with sake- but as I'm about to demonstrate, it can work with other spirits." she explains as she stops pouring and presses the bottle into my left hand before demurely holding up my glass.

I must've looked bewildered as I took the glass with my free hand.

"Now you pour for me…." the raccoon dog lady continues as she holds up her glass. "If you're drinking with someone in Japan, it's considered bad form to pour your own drink."

"I see." I chew on that little cultural tidbit as I pour some more whiskey into her glass. Akagane doesn't say anything right away, but demurely holds up her hand to indicate that was enough.

"And now….a toast!" she eagerly suggests.

Following her lead, I raise my glass- which bounces off her hers with an almost dainty *clink*.

"All right then- To your health!"

" _Kampai_!" she calls out enthusiastically before taking a hearty sip. "See, Buckaroo. You're learning!"

"My kind of learning!"

In no time at all, the two of us make the contents of our glasses disappear.

"Ready for another, councillor?" I ask as I hold up the bottle.

"Why yes I am. You look like you could use some freshening up too, buckaroo." the lovely tanuki says as she shakes her glass.

"I would like that very much." I say, pouring her a bit more whiskey.

She waits until I'm done pouring and takes the bottle before adding some more whiskey to the flat cola and melting ice already in my glass.

"Did you know that Jim Beam's parent company is Japanese?" she asks as she finished pouring.

"No way- really?" I ask.

"Mmm-hmm. It's now part of Suntory….even traded on the Nikkei." she adds. "That deal happened a couple of years ago."

"So tell me some more about yourself, counselor. Why do you do what you do?"

Akagane looked a bit bewildered before shrugging.

"If I don't, who will?". It seemed like a glib, non-answer on her part until she continued. "I mean….imagine you're in a foreign land- you don't know the language or customs and you have to appear before a judge. You may not even know if you've broken the law to begin with, let alone what your rights are in those circumstances. It's my job….no- my duty to make sure extra species know what their rights are."

She looked up at me earnestly.

"And what about the program's _no touchey_ rule?"

"I'm not a big believer in that- but if called upon, it's my job to argue that in front of a judge and jury on the Exchange Program's behalf." she sighed while swirling her glass. "It's in place for a reason."

"So your job description is basically running around making sure consenting adults don't have sex with each other or if they do, make them feel awful about it after the fact?"

She looked at me incredulously for a moment.

"Are you sure you're not with the Catholic Church?'

Akagane continues to look at me incredulously for a few seconds before throwing her head back and guffawing, her canine ears pinned to the side of her head.

"You're terrible, Buckaroo!"

"So where did you go to law school?" I'm genuinely curious.

"Mmm…" she finished taking a pull from her glass. "Stanford Law.."

"No way- you're making that up."

"Guess again, Buckaroo. Class of 2019- Now I'm licensed to practice law in 34 states."

I ponder that for a moment. If she graduated in 2019, and extraspecies didn't reveal themselves until a few months ago, then…..

Akagane chuckles as she watches me process what she just said.

"Then….that means…..you went to law school…..incognito!"

"Give the man a kewpie doll!" she tittered.

"Stanford….that's something else…" I marvel. "Part party school and a degree from there still has lots of clout. It's like the best of both worlds- Too bad their football program went to shit."

"Look who's talking." Akagane scoffed defensively. "Who's your team? New Mexico State? UTEP? Lobos? When was the last time ANY of them went to a bowl game….?"

"Fair point, councilor. "Lobo" rhymes with " _Oh no_!". Still- I can't believe you deprived the student body these cute little ears and tail of yours for so long…" I said as I started playfully rubbing her ear with my thumb and forefinger.

" _Ah! Buckaroo….please…..please…..ah….._ " Akagane moaned suddenly.

Immediately I stopped- it sounded like I was hurting her.

The pretty Tanuki lawyer's face had gone from a slight blush in her cheeks to nearly beet red.

"I'm sorry, Akagane...are you all right?"

"I..it's just that my….my ears can be….considered an erogenous zone."

"Oh- damn! I-I'm sorry, Akagane- I didn't mean to-"

" _I didn't say you should stop, Buckaroo_ …" she breathed into my ear before I felt her little fangs gently clamped down on my earlobe.

I remember so many things about that moment. The soft swell of the lovely lawyer's breasts through her blouse as she pressed her body up against mine. The subtle and not overpowering perfume she was wearing mixed with the whiskey on her breath. The little whimpers and moans she let out as my hands found their way back to the top of her head and resumed playing with her ears. Her heavy-lidded eyes as she looked at me with nothing less than unrefined lust and yearning.

When you've had as much misfortune with the opposite sex as I've had, getting teased and caressed by a gorgeous, flirtatious and oh so willing brunette in snazzy business attire sticks out in one's mind.

As for her ears, there had to be more to it. I doubt simply touching them would get her worked up into such a state. Maybe I'm overthinking things, but I get the feeling playing with her ears would only have that effect if she was already aroused

Damn it….I should say something, but instead I feel like I'm getting pulled underwater by a strong current I'm incapable of fighting.

"Like I said….the others won't be finished with their deposition for awhile…." the tanuki girl panted.

Perri.

Oh shit! Why does it feel like I'm betraying her?

Perri's beautiful, but increasingly frustrating to try and figure out. Even if there was any mutual affection between us, she's done a marvelous job of concealing it. Besides, even if there were the two of us would be expressly prohibited from pursuing any sort of physical relationship by the exchange program.

"Akagane…" I can hear myself speak up. "Are….are we even allowed to do this?"

She pauses from kissing my neck to let out a derisive chortle.

"Don't tell me you're still hung up on the program's _'no touchey'_ rule…."

"Well….not so much that as the _'getting thrown in the clink'_ part of it. Hell- "

"Trust me, there's ways around it." Akagane interrupts with a knowing smirk.

"But on it's face, doesn't the very rule that you're supposed to argue in favor of fly in the face of the Supreme Court's _Loving vs Virginia_ ruling?" I ask her.

Her expression darkened as her dainty little hand absently caressed my cheek.

"You naughty boy…" she almost growled. "Which law school did you drop out of?"

"I….I never went to law school." I stammer defensively.

"Oh my….you'll have to pardon me. Most men I've encountered outside my profession couldn't name a Supreme Court ruling from last month, let alone over 50 years ago." she smiled.

"Not gonna lie, Miss Tachibana. Mr. DiNunzio was a crackerjack civics teacher….one of the few classes I paid attention to for High School." I say as I take another sip of this lukewarm blend of melted ice, flat cola and Kentucky bourbon whiskey. "Personally out of all the Supreme Court rulings, _Heller vs D.C._ remains near and dear to my heart."

At heart, her kind are supposed to be tricksters and troublemakers but right now she seems so warm and sincere. Before long, that mischievous glint is back

"C'mon Buckaroo- don't you know girls love a bad boy? Besides, there's a loophole."

I furrow my brow, which prompts a slightly more serious answer from her.

"OK...let me fill you in. The rule almost exclusively applies to homestays and the host household. There's nothing preventing….say….administrative personnel from the Program or MON from hooking up with a human."

Just like a lawyer to know all the loopholes

"...or vice versa" she continued.

"You lawyers and your legal mumbo jumbo…" I begin to mutter sarcastically. However, any further words I might've had die with a surprised 'MMMPH!' as the assertive raccoon-dog girl kisses me on the lips.

There's a warmth and urgency in the way she kisses me, her tongue now aggressively exploring my mouth.

"Honestly…" she pants as she breaks the kiss. "I advised some of the higher ups to drop the policy if it ever faces any sort of challenge in the courts. Hardly seems fair that I'm the only youkai having this much fun with a human, wouldn't you say?"

I can only nod as her dainty little fingers are now exploring my chest.

"But as you know, _Loving_ applied to humans...not, say...a devil capable of using hypnosis or an alarune who could seduce a man with pheromones from her nectar. We try and properly vett all applicants, but it's inevitable that we're going to get some bad apples who may end up trying to take advantage of the humans around them."

Well damn- the woman raises a couple of valid concerns. This does nothing to diminish my throbbing hard-on, however.

"I don't really agree with it, but they have a point. The rule is in place as much to protect humans as it is to protect liminals from humans."

As incredibly aroused as I am, something suddenly hits me with a crystalline clarity through the lust-induced haze in my head. I haven't dismissed the possibility that Smith was using this flirtatious trickster to coax me into making some sort of an incriminating statement.

"Miss Tachibana…." I murmur. "Please tell me Smith didn't put you up to this."

She scowls upon hearing that.

"I'm sure you've noticed, Buckaroo….but I'm a big girl." she says as she drapes both slender arms around my neck. "I can have my own fun and I don't need Smith putting me up for anything."

Akagane doesn't say anything away, but she has her mouth slightly agape in a wicked little grin. Sure enough, her fangs find their way back to my earlobe. She nibbles just hard enough to indicate she was displeased with my question.

"If you want…." her lips find mine for a quick kiss as she starts undoing her blouse. "You can search me for a wire, Buckaroo…...every…."

 _Kiss_.

"...last…."

 _Kiss_.

"...inch…"

The blouse is gone now and I'm looking right at her in a faded lilac bra with sheer cups straining to keep her magnificent 38DDs in place.

"I don't know, councillor…" I say faux bashfully as I lean in and kiss her first on the lips and then on the neck. "I see plenty of real estate where you could still conceal a recording device."

"Mmm….you naughty boy. Search away." she says as she seemingly removes her bra with a shrug. "Tell me- are you sure your interest in the _Loving_ ruling doesn't stem from a more-than-passing interest in interracial porn?" Akagane teases, a smug little grin planted on her lips.

"Maybe…..you'd be off on the races, though." I reply, trying not to sound flustered.

"Oh?" Her ears perk up. " _Sōdesu ka? Anata-wa….? Nihon onna ga suki desu-ka?_ " she asks teasingly as she starts unbuttoning my shirt. " _Youkai onna ga suki desu-ka?_ " she whispers in my ear, her hot breath spilling down my neck as her fangs once again gently clamp onto my earlobe. I have no idea what she's saying, but it's sending my heart racing.

Holy crap, I had no idea that Japanese could be such an erotic language!

That little minx is playing dirty. I need to do something before I'm putty in her dainty little hands.

Granted there are worse things to happen than ending up overwhelmed by an incredibly sexy, buxom and touchy-feely raccoon dog extraspecies girl from the far east, but she strikes me more as the type to appreciate a take-charge kind of guy in this situation and I shouldn't disappoint my latest guest as I try to collect my thoughts.

Far eastern trickster youkai hits me with seduction and I decide to counterattack with…...high school Spanish.

" _Oye- que acaba dijiste? Ten cuidado, mi hermosa perrita._ " I growl as I give her canine ears a quick nibble.

Akagane's eyes widen and she's unable to stifle a little moan- I'm pretty sure my iffy Spanish has nothing to do with it, but I might as well keep pressing with my attack.

" _Quiero a ver tus ojos esmerelda sin anteojos_ …." I tell her as I gently remove her glasses and cup her chin. " _Ah! Que bonita_ …"

"Nnnhhh….Bu...Buckaroo…..I didn't know you could speak….HAH!...Sp-spanish." Akagane tried to say between moans as I resumed my assault on her ears.

" _Por supuesto, mi hermosa perrita_!" I said confidently while my thumb and forefinger went to work on Akagane's neglected right ear.

Without my high school Spanish teacher present to correct me, I'm pretty sure I just called Akagane _'my pretty little doggie'_ and told her that I wanted to see her beautiful eyes without the glasses. Still, on some level I'm sure I disappointed an educator like by forgetting the Spanish word for 'raccoon'.

The disappointment I'm no doubt causing my high school Spanish teacher will have to wait as Akagane gently grabs my hand and puts it squarely on her right breast.

"Buckaroo...can you feel how fast my heart is racing?"

I did, actually. But that was secondary to the warm, soft flesh I had in my hands. As I began to use both hands to massage and knead Akagane's breasts, the tanuki let out a little gasp as she arched her back to better accommodate my exploration.

"I hope my hands aren't too cold…" I say apologetically- although they're plenty warm now.

"Oh...Buckaroo…" the tanuki lady panted as she shimmies onto my lap, straddling me. "You have no idea how long it's been….".

From this position, her exposed breasts are lined up perfectly with my face.

Well, it's not like I needed a written invitation.

" _Haaahhhh_ …" the voluptuous advocate gasps as I start to kiss, suckle and tease her right nipple. Besides the sensual, lewd moan Akagane seems to signal her approval by arching her back even further, thrusting her bosom into my face.

I'm so glad Akagane explained this loophole for me.

" _Th-that's it, Bryce….Ah! I've been waiting_ …" she moans as she finishes taking off my hardly slows me down as I resume giving the tanuki woman's bosom the attention it needs.

From what seems like a million miles away, I'm aware of a creak from the other side of the room. I know this old house better than anybody….that's not the house settling- that small little creak means that-

With great trepidation, I tear my eyes away from Akagane's 38DD's- now partially decorated with my saliva- only to see Smith and Perri standing at the entrance to the hallway taking in the spectacle before the two of them.

At this point, I was half expecting the heavens to open up and I would be struck down by a bolt of lightning from the clear blue sky.

No such luck- I'm caught in Perri's reproachful, withering gaze as the Exchange Program coordinator speaks up.

"Well now….I see you're not wasting any time, councilor."


End file.
